Just venting

[kathycf]

Hi there:
I guess this is just something I wanted to get off my chest. I don't have any illusions about being a poet, but sometimes...well somethings just need to be put out there. Thanks.


It is almost like a dream...
Thunk! A loud somehow hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

I will not remember
I will not remember
Blood rushes to my face
I remember

[kathycf]

*EDITED* because I don't like the poem I had originally posted here. Sorry.

[jon1jt]

This is another one I wrote. I solemnly swear these are the only ones I will post.

Miss Contrary:
she hates the darkness, but fears the light
she craves laughter-she is filled with fright.
a cynic's shell, a child within-her soul is strong
her flesh is weak.
Her temper is fierce, but her heart is meek.

She is a mess, she is utterly flawed
her face is but a lovely facade...
It hides the darkness within her soul.
She longs for redemption but knows
she is not worthy.

You take the joy from the reader in discovering that shes's a "mess" and "strong" and "weak" and "flawed" and that she "hides" and "longs" and she's "not worthy". Perhaps to you, "her flesh is weak", but to me, "she oozes with sensuality." Point in case, let the reader decide the boundaries...don't tell me about her, give her action, and the contraries will present themselves. ;) Hope this helps.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

This is another one I wrote. I solemnly swear these are the only ones I will post.

Post as many as you like Kathy.

I like the first one best. Do you have a guilty secret of child-crucifixion in your past?

[kathycf]

Post as many as you like Kathy.

I like the first one best. Do you have a guilty secret of child-crucifixion in your past?

well, not as the perpetrator, but I did need to vent a bit. Thanks to you and jon1jt for reading.

[amuse]

Hi there:
I guess this is just something I wanted to get off my chest. I don't have any illusions about being a poet, but sometimes...well somethings just need to be put out there. Thanks.


It is almost like a dream...
Thunk! A loud somehow hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

I will not remember
I will not remember
Blood rushes to my face
I remembergood god this is horrible - and i thought my memories were bad. very powerful.

maybe "somewhat" instead of somehow?

[kathycf]

maybe "somewhat" instead of somehow?

Thanks for the idea. I actually like this poem better than the other one myself, despite it's er, "unpleasant" autobiographical nature. Here are 2 slightly different versions, one based on your suggestion. The noise as I remember it seems loud, but because it is in the distant (thank goodness) past, it takes on sort of a weird quality. Clear, but at the same time "fuzzy" if that makes any sort of sense.

It is almost like a dream...
Thunk! A loud somewhat hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

I will not remember
I will not remember
Blood rushes to my face
I remember

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is almost like a dream...
Thunk! A loud, yet hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

I will not remember
I will not remember
Blood rushes to my face
I remember

[amanda_isabel]

i like both poems, kathy... but i do like the first one better. both editions of the first poem work (dont worry, it makes sense.) but i'm more fond of the first version. (cant explain why, though)....

hope to see more of your work.

[smilingtearz]

the first one... god.. gives me goosebumps..

[kathycf]

wow, thanks very much for all the input and ideas. I am really glad people read this.

[kathycf]

Here is a rough draft of another poem I have been working on. I know, it has a similiar theme...but I have lots of venting to do. Again, I don't consider myself a poet or anything so comments and/or ideas to improve are very welcome.

I float, adrift in my mind.
A warm sunlit sea
instead of the cruelty
confronting me.

I try to be good
but you never listen
you will not steal
who I am

[amanda_isabel]

kathy,
though you dont consider yourself a poet u certainly have a gift.

i love the lines 'you will not steal/who i am'

the poem is simple but it captures.

kathy if you want to talk, feel free to send me a pm.

[Mililalil XXIV]

You would write a very popular book if you put enough of these down into page after page of print. It is peculiar enough to get its own place of fame and adulation. You could just be the mother of a cult classic by publishing childhood snap shots of developing thought like those above.

[kathycf]

You would write a very popular book if you put enough of these down into page after page of print. It is peculiar enough to get its own place of fame and adulation. You could just be the mother of a cult classic by publishing childhood snap shots of developing thought like those above.

Hmmm, sounds like an interesting idea...

[Eagleheart]

You have in a way reached a mood of mystical insight in your first work...I suppose it is grounded on the ambigious style of yours...Keep on writing you have something to offer to the international community...of poets...After all poetry is not about recognition....And lets be honest we are most attracted by those who seem to be alienated and not appreciated...That will do for encouragement..Btw you can send me some more of your works... Interested I am

[Truth Untold]

i love them all, the first did it for me though as it is somehting everyone can realte to, i have a tendency to make my poems a little too personal and end up telling a story sometimes, i like reading somehting that lets me interpret nad imagine, thanks!

[Jarndyce]

"It is almost like a dream...
Thunk! A loud somehow hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

I will not remember
I will not remember
Blood rushes to my face
I remember"

Setting aside what must be your personal importance for writing this, and looking at it on its own:

The second stanza is completely unnecessary. Except for the very pathological readers, anyone reading the first stanza should probably understand that this is an event that would traumatize, and not want to be remembered. As such, I'd rather you put more energy into describing the moment, rather than the result. For that matter, the first line is also probably unnecessary. Again, more energy into the heart of the matter. Thus, you have:

Thunk! A loud somehow hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

Here is your core. This is the poem. Now, pour a ton of energy into it. Give it life. If this is truly a memory of yours, then I want to know the horror of it, the pain, the anguish, but I don't want you to tell me about it. I want to experience it for myself.

Personally, I'd remove "far away" as well. Give me distance and proportion in other ways.

But, I'll tell you this, I truly want to see this poem with more revision. Reading all of the "he left me, she hates me, i'm unhappy" poems that ever have or ever will be written becomes a lot more bearable, if you'll give us this poem.

[kathycf]

Thank you all for the suggestions, comments and insights. I will be working on these poems, but because of their nature I can only do so much at a time (gets a little overwhelming...) I appreciate the interest and I will post again fairly soon.
--Kathy

[kathycf]

Well, I am embarrased to write it, but I have had no thoughts or inspirations on how to work on this poem, even though I tried all summer long. I really hate writer's block! :blush: I think the most I have been able to do is write a grocery list. It is hard to think on this stuff, and it is also fairly hard to sort of get to the essence of it. It is pretty short to start off with and I don't know how to edit it down anymore. Any suggestions anybody has would be fine with me.

[Virgil]

Well, I am embarrased to write it, but I have had no thoughts or inspirations on how to work on this poem, even though I tried all summer long. I really hate writer's block! :blush: I think the most I have been able to do is write a grocery list. It is hard to think on this stuff, and it is also fairly hard to sort of get to the essence of it. It is pretty short to start off with and I don't know how to edit it down anymore. Any suggestions anybody has would be fine with me.

You write poetry Kathy? Have you posted any on lit net? I've never noticed?

[brainstrain]

All these professional criteques aside, i like your poems. They have simple, easy to discern meanings (even if the meaning of the second one isn't really a meaning at all). Too many poets hide their purpose under layers and layers of adjectives and adverbs. I occasionally write poetry myself, and yours is much better than mine. I regetfully have had to confess to myself that I am not and never will be a poet =P.

Yay for you!

[Virgil]

All these professional criteques aside, i like your poems. They have simple, easy to discern meanings (even if the meaning of the second one isn't really a meaning at all). Too many poets hide their purpose under layers and layers of adjectives and adverbs. I occasionally write poetry myself, and yours is much better than mine. I regetfully have had to confess to myself that I am not and never will be a poet =P.

Yay for you!

Are you talking about me, brainy? Thank you, if you are. ;) Don't forget I'm 44 years old. I've been studying poetry for a long time. Mine are not that special. I'm sure if you keep at it, you will improve greatly and be as good as me. You will be surprised at how good you can become in a few years. Take heart. Where have you posted them. I'll check them out. :)

[kathycf]

Yay for you!
Hey, thanks. :)

You write poetry Kathy? Have you posted any on lit net? I've never noticed?
The only ones are on the first page of this thread. Wayyyy back in May.

[kathycf]

Just a quick reminder. I (you know, me...Kathy) started this thread back in May for one of my poems. It can be found on the first page of this thread by scrolling to the top of the page and click on "1", or can be read by clicking here. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17249)

I guess the subject matter is dark and heavy and probably makes people uncomfortable. Well, terrible things can (and do) happen to any of us and children are not exempt from horror. My way of coping with my experiences is to write about them. If people don't care to offer comments or critiques anymore, that is too bad because I truly do respect the opinions of many members here. I feel grateful and lucky to have received the insights that were posted earlier. My thanks. Well, here it is....


A hollow noise
Child's thudding heart
drifting in the breeze,
Child's faint scream
The mist of a dream
yet the memory remains
Nail embedded in fragile arm

[B-Mental]

Hi Kathycf glad to see you still around... The poem is powerful, and i think familiar. I personally could replace arm with foot or thumb. There is nothing more painful to me than the cries of a child in pain. Very nice poem, slightly dark, but very nice.

[Virgil]

Hey I'm glad you're back Kathy. As to your poem, it is powerful. The sequences of images create a compelling story, summed up in the second to last line. The poem needs a title, however, something that adds even further, not somethng that repeats what is already said.

[Pensive]

Just a quick reminder. I (you know, me...Kathy) started this thread back in May for one of my poems. It can be found on the first page of this thread by scrolling to the top of the page and click on "1", or can be read by clicking here. (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17249)

I guess the subject matter is dark and heavy and probably makes people uncomfortable. Well, terrible things can (and do) happen to any of us and children are not exempt from horror. My way of coping with my experiences is to write about them. If people don't care to offer comments or critiques anymore, that is too bad because I truly do respect the opinions of many members here. I feel grateful and lucky to have received the insights that were posted earlier. My thanks. Well, here it is....


A hollow noise
Child's thudding heart
drifting in the breeze,
Child's faint scream
The mist of a dream
yet the memory remains
Nail embedded in fragile arm

This is great, strong and emotional.

It is very nice to see you back, Kathy. :)

[kathycf]

Thank you Pensy, Virgil and B-mental


I personally could replace arm with foot or thumb.

Well, interesting thought B-mental. I couldn't replace "arm" myself without losing the personal meaning the poem holds for me as it is autobiographical in nature. Thank you though.

[SummerSolstice]

I have to say I like the first one better than your rewrite (or different poem about the same thing, if that was what it was) that you posted yesterday. I wouldn't have any clue what was happening or what I was supposed to think about the new one if I hadn't read the first one. The first one gave me goosebumps and shivers--the new one, not so much.

I have to disagree with what jarndyce said back in April. The second stanza is entirely necessary. You give us the distant, terrible, seen-through-the-wrong-end-of-the-binoculars story in the first stanza; in the second, the tie is made to the present and the awfulness comes crashing in, like a rubber cord pulled tight and then snapping back on you. Determination to forget, and the kind of despair that makes you tremble when it's impossible to forget.

Goosebumps. Goosebumps and shivers. Don't rush your muse, but if you've got old ones stored away somewhere I beg you to pull them out!

[B-Mental]

Thank you Pensy, Virgil and B-mental



Well, interesting thought B-mental. I couldn't replace "arm" myself without losing the personal meaning the poem holds for me as it is autobiographical in nature. Thank you though.

Umm, I understand. I was pointing out that your poem has a universal ring to it, which I can sympathise (empathize? sp ) with.

[kathycf]

Umm, I understand. I was pointing out that your poem has a universal ring to it, which I can sympathise (empathize? sp ) with.
Ah, I see. :)



Goosebumps. Goosebumps and shivers. Don't rush your muse, but if you've got old ones stored away somewhere I beg you to pull them out!
I have several re-writes because I am never satisfied with my work. As always, this version can also be considered a work in progress. This version even has a title.


Before I wake


A hollow noise
child's thudding heart
from a distant place
a child screams
nail driven into a fragile arm

I will not remember
I will not remember
the mist of a dream
blood rushes to my face
I can never forget

*edit* By the way, thanks for your comment Summer.:)