A Rose's Laments...

[shinigami]

Here I am - beauty.
Wrapped in thorns of pain.
Trapped
forever through sun or rain.

To try and embrace me,
Is to experience love and hate.
For I am to be alone.
'Tis my lonely fate.

Love was knowing you were near me,
While hate 'coz we can never be close.
These are the laments of the beautiful flower.
The laments of mine - the rose.

[shinigami]

Hello children of the Earth, may I chance a reply? it would be ever so wonderful to hear another's view upon the structure of my composition and stuff... Kudos from Shinigami!

[Jarndyce]

Here I am - beauty.
Wrapped in thorns of pain.
Trapped
forever through sun or rain.

To try and embrace me,
Is to experience love and hate.
For I am to be alone.
'Tis my lonely fate.

Love was knowing you were near me,
While hate 'coz we can never be close.
These are the laments of the beautiful flower.
The laments of mine - the rose.

I'm not that keen on it, to tell you the truth. It seems quite cliched (yes, yes, thorny roses look pretty but can hurt you), and there's nothing in there to hang on to. It's just too simple and too abstract. I don't want to be too harsh, but I think that it's the kind of thing that looks like a draft idea that hasn't yet become a poem. Poetry needs meaty images and substance. What you have here is abstract, and frilly. It might have worked for a Jane Austin charachter, but not so much for modern poetry.

[Grumbleguts]

I need to take issue with the style you have chosen here, it's a bugbear of mine I am afraid, but I hate to see a poem that rhymes but has no definite metre. I prefer a poem with metre but no rhyme to the reverse every time, it makes it sound stilted and forced when read aloud.
Poetry is as much about how the words sound and feel as the meaning that they impart, some would say that poetry is more about the former - I prefer a balance between the two.
I also agree somewhat with the person above that says that it is cliched. You have presented the cliche well, but only as rhyming prose, it has a way to go to become true poetry.
Please do not take this as a panning, I am not saying that I do not like it. I think that you choose your words quite well but I also feel that you need to address tha points that Jarndyce and I have raised if you wish to advance.

[shinigami]

Thanks! Now I know how I'll improve this.. I'm not actually sum1 hu abides by metre but I love to rhyme.. pretty childish really... Arigato minna-san!! From the God of Death.. [that's actually a girl].. Shinigami..