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Ryduce
04-25-2006, 03:34 PM
First off let me say that I am a TERRIBLE writer,and I'm actually kind of scared to show this to you this because I'm so shy about my writing skills .Please be honest,but not brutal.I hope you enjoy.




The town of Jameson is situated in the middle of the Smoky Mountains. The land itself is stunningly beautiful with a diverse array of flora and fauna. There are rolling hills and meadows with a myriad of indigenous rhododendron. Pink, purple, and orange wildflowers make the soft hills seem almost tide-like, rising and falling until they reach the foothills of the serene peaks of the Smokies. The immense mountains create a dazzling blue opposition to the multicolored elegance of the meadows below. Aside from being aesthetically pleasing, Jameson and it’s surrounding areas are a geological oddity. The town and it’s three thousand inhabitants reside in a small depression, or a crater, at the foothills of two great mountains. The confluence of these two mountains create a valley, which became a great river as a result of thousands of years of rainfall. The river is a quarter of a mile wide, and is fed by dozens of streams along the mountain. The streams sprawl over the vast terrain like veins to the artery that is the river, beating on through the heart of Jameson.

Storms had come in from the South and there was a tepid drizzle of rain falling in a paradoxical contrast to the cold softness of the ground. The resounding clash of thunder could be heard coming from far off in the distance. It echoed throughout the town, and then dissipated back to nothingness.

The thunder had caused Daniel Whitmore to stir from his late afternoon nap. His dark brown hair laid over his head as he stared at the ceiling listening to the monotonous pitter patter of rain. For reasons unknown to him, storms such as these frightened him
ever since he was a child. The mere thought of rain had brought an indescribable amount of dread upon him, and he winced with fear at the first sound of thunder. The current storms had induced a state of paranoia in Daniel. He was pacing about the house trying to occupy his mind from the terror outside.

Meanwhile, a group of teenage boys had congregated outside of
Daniel’s window.
They found it quite humorous to watch this tall lanky framed middle aged man prancing throughout the house.
“What is that old fool doing?” one asked.
“Whenever it rains he does this.” replied the other.
Just then a booming clash of thunder reverberated throughout the land and Daniel ran to his room where he was paralyzed with fear. The boys just chuckled and walked off.
“That old fool thinks the rain is gonna kill em.”one boy snickered.

The rain was falling even heavier the next morning and Daniel was watching it through his window. Though terrified, he was determined to go to work that day. His family had owned a grocery store in the center of town for close to 60 years, and his Grandfather had often told him as a little boy that it was only thing the family had ever owned. Daniel took great pride in running the store, and so he braved the rain for the sake of his families name. He proceeded through his yard, though it now resembled a swamp, to his neighbors. They were packing things into their car fastidiously, preparing to leave.
“Where ya heading to?’ Daniel questioned.
“The water level of the river is too high.” he said.
“It isn’t safe to be here.”
“That river aint flooded in decades.” responded Daniel.
“I aint taking no chances, and that’s why were heading to Georgia till these storms pass.” he retorted.
The two men exchanged their goodbyes and Daniel continued off for work. He stopped and gazed in awe of the Jameson river, for it seemingly stretched on for eternity. But then he noticed something that filled him with an incredible horror. The once placid river was swelling and growing angry.

The wind was whipping through Jameson with the fury of a dozen freight trains. The rain was coming down in torrents, and the river slowly consumed the town. Daniel had taken refuge in his attic, but he seriously doubted if it would sufficiently protect him from the still rising water. The fear had taken over him, and it felt as though his chest would cave in. He had spent hours in his attic sobbing because he was cold, wet, and frightened. He wept himself to sleep only to be awakened by the sound of screams that were not his own. There were terribly frantic screams just outside his house that seemed to repeat in his mind infinitely. He bore a hole through his roof to investigate the cause of these screams that were tormenting him, but what he saw was much more heartbreaking than what he heard.

A small girl of only six or seven years old was clutching to a tree with every ounce of herself. The small sundress she wore had been tattered to pieces by the fierceness of the water rolling over her. Her blonde hair was brown with mud, her eyes were swollen with tears, and her face was contorted by terror. It was at that moment that fear was no longer an emotion that Daniel Whitmore knew. With a rope tied across his waist he dove in. The water rushed over him, and he was helpless. He battled it though. He fought against the current until every muscle in his body burned. He felt as thought his whole body would burst, but still he battled. He inched closer and closer to the little girl. The river continued to roar violently until at last he reached the end of his rope. It was not long enough, and the little girl was swept into the abyss.

When the river receded the town no longer existed. It was a barren wasteland of mud and debris. The few who survived walked about the rubble looking for their belongings or loved ones. Daniel’s eyes were filled with despair. He felt as though all hope was lost, and he hung his head to cry. But when he did he saw something so unimaginable and beautiful that his tears faded away. Amongst all the destruction and devastation a rose was protruding from the debris. He was mesmerized, not because of its vivid hue, but because it survived. It had prevailed, and so could he. And at that moment the sun peaked over the clouds and a brilliant luminosity covered Jameson.

Life, like the river, has swallowed men up and left no remnant of their existence. Still, there is hope. There is always hope. There is no destruction so massive as to exhaust the infinite hope of the human heart. It could rain for a hundred years or a hundred centuries, but as long as there is life there is hope. And Life, like the river, rolls on evermore.

cateye515
04-27-2006, 10:57 AM
don't be so hard on yourself. you are a perfectly good writer. you just need more pratice. i know how you feel...i didn't have much practice until late in the year...you're a good writer, just practice ;) :nod:

Jarndyce
04-27-2006, 12:02 PM
Don't be afraid. Fear is the mind killer.

You have a nice plot outline. The nice guy in the small town, who must overcome his fear. I'm going to tell you something that I was once told: Writing isn't about putting something down on paper. Writing is revision. Revision is the work, the craft of writing.

So, tell me, how can the following sentence be revised in a way that will make it 1) less passive, 2) less expository, 3) sound better when read aloud, 4) more poignant and purposeful?

"The thunder had caused Daniel Whitmore to stir from his late afternoon nap."

Example: "Daniel Whitmore woke with the late afternoon thunder." You don't really need to tell us it's a nap, because you're telling us it's late afteroon, generally regarded as nap time. Daniel is waking, and because he's doing that at the time of the thunder, it's pretty much a given that the thunder is just beginning, too, and it woke him up.

Now, cruise through the rest of your story, and try to do the same sort of thing with every sentence. What can be cut, what is redundant, what doesn't need to be said, what can be said better? How can you add color, or sound, or smell, or texture in place of statement?

And be really careful to avoid the following: "The water rushed over him, and he was helpless. He battled it though." Was he helpless, or did he battle through?

Take a day or two, rewrite it, try to cut the word count down to two-thirds of what you have. It will make you take a more rigorous look at your editing. I think that doing that will also help your ending a lot, which seems too heavy handed as it is now.

When you're done, post it again. I can't wait to read it.

Ryduce
04-27-2006, 02:36 PM
Thanks to both of you for responding I will definitely try to use what you said.


I am only 17 and I don't write nearly as much as I should.I was also very rushed when I wrote this because it was due on Tuesday,and I procrastinated until Monday.I understand what you are saying about the sentences and I will definitely go back and revise,but I'm actually thinking about expanding into a full novel.Thanks alot!!!!!

rachel
04-27-2006, 03:42 PM
Ry,
I think it should definitely expand into a book. The hero is already tugging at my heart and I want to walk along side of him and watch him grow and emerge as the person you have destined him to be.
I would suggest you really think about which direction you are going with this, then take it apart and, keeping the essence of this awesome feeling that comes right from teh beginning write it like you are watching it on the screen and see the continuity come together and little things that make it really memorable come forward.
The second and third paragraphs, the feelings they evoked in my heart were great. I could hear the sounds, smell the air, feel the dread, the anxiety, the terror mixed with despair. I have done that pacing to calm myself down, to try to stay the monster of fear one more second.
I think it will be great Ry and I am amazed at the emotions coming from you, you will be a very good writer, just be like those body builders, work out each day.
I am very proud of you.

cateye515
04-27-2006, 04:15 PM
Thanks to both of you for responding I will definitely try to use what you said.


I am only 17 and I don't write nearly as much as I should.I was also very rushed when I wrote this because it was due on Tuesday,and I procrastinated until Monday.I understand what you are saying about the sentences and I will definitely go back and revise,but I'm actually thinking about expanding into a full novel.Thanks alot!!!!!


hey, at least you're a year older than me!!!! :p don't worry about it. you could be like me and just think your writings good...but then have people tell you it's not.

Bandini
04-27-2006, 04:23 PM
I always feel ill qualified to comment on this, cos I'm no great writer myself - but, in anybodies eyes, that is not the work of a terrible writer.

kathycf
04-27-2006, 09:17 PM
No, this is not bad writing at all. Jarndyce gives exellent advice. I think trimming out excess words is always helpful as well, making the writing clean and concise.
Also the dialog could be a little bit better. For example:

What is that old fool doing?

doesn't sound (at least to me) like something a teenager would really say; you are 17, think of how one of your peers would describe a middleaged person? Dialog should be as natural as possible. Just my thoughts on the matter, good luck to you and again, you are doing a good job. Keep on plugging away! :)