standing on time

[lapis25]

I am standing on the hand of fate,
Like a clock's arrow to the next number;
Just to wonder what will be another,
Dream under night's controlling slumber.
I yearn for some reality;
Gloom mentality;
weighed on me like gravity.
If I was light I would escape the dark chasm;
Rather than being a prisoner to a phantom.
With so great a force upon the mind;
Dark as an eclipse in the timed sky.
First bright then dark;
The lost river floods my heart.
Next I can't even sense;
I will wait to be moved against time's breath.

New to the site, any feedback greatly appreciated, thanx.

[IrishCanadian]

Good narrative: "prisoner to a phantom."
But what do you mean by the first two lines? Their interesting. Can you predict the hand of fate like you can predict the actions of a clock? Or did you just chose that imagery to go with the anticipitory mood? By the way I like the title too.

[amanda_isabel]

[QUOTE=IrishCanadian]Good narrative: "prisoner to a phantom."
ditto....
great poem.

[Grumbleguts]

Very interesting imagery here. You have a way with words.

But I cannot help but feel that you are unsure about whether, and how, to use rhyme and meter here. I am by no means a stickler for either but I do believe that if one is going to rhyme then one should be consistent in how one rhymes and employ a constant meter to emphasise the rhymes.

You begin by rhyming the 2nd and 4th lines, then rhyme the next 3, then half-rhyme in couplets for the rest of the poem. Free verse is fine, so is a rhyme scheme, but mix'n'match is not to my poetic taste, sorry.

[lapis25]

thanx for the feedback.. i appriciate it.