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miranda23
04-07-2006, 10:31 AM
I'm new to writing. I thought id give it a shot to write alittle something. Heres the beginning of it. Feel free to remark of any of my mistakes or what i could do better. Dont have a title yet.





Eight years old and days seemed so endless wishing I was out of misery. Early school mornings, mid afternoon piano lessons and a chance to catch dragon fly's on the walk home ,dreading if she's poisoned again when I arrive.

Never knew life could take so much innocents out of a Childs life. My world seemed so happy but yet always questioning it.

Hot summer days in little town called Tonguchun which was only 1 hour from Seoul. Dragon flies endlessly flying in swarms of many. Stands of fish and snails sold on the streets and alleys for the money would provide their dinners for that evening. children running down the streets of Korea chasing the army tanks hoping they would throw more dry packaged food then they did before. Grocery store on the street corner, a small spaced room with games chained and locked never having a door, open to the public. Which they called an arcade center. How cruel to put a strip bar next door. There 100 feet away was our apartment on the left . If you walked 1 block more you'd find a little building and in the upstairs window seeing the piano teacher smack the hands of musicians with a wooden stick if they pressed the wrong note. Across the street was my savior. I would save my lunch money days and days just to get more time of joy. In a parking lot of dirt there you found a trampoline with an old lady taking our money to get turns of 5 min to jump, but for the lunches untouched I could jump the longest. If only I could feel that happiness at the moment for the rest of my days and night to come.

jessezzel
04-07-2006, 01:24 PM
I like your style, it is very poetic. Just expand on it some more and I think it will turn out really good.

miranda23
04-08-2006, 02:36 PM
thank you for your advice

Morad
04-18-2006, 07:49 PM
As a first chapter, it seems like to be a nice short-story, collect many ideas, focus on motivation in the characters, give your self an enough time reading it before posting it perfectly, you'll be great writer in no time ...

Best wishes, and continue this way ...

amanda_isabel
04-18-2006, 09:51 PM
great start... just keep working on it, it'll turn out well.

formality hater
05-16-2006, 04:57 AM
great start... just keep working on it, it'll turn out well.


I absolutely agree :nod:

water lily
05-24-2006, 02:26 AM
It is poetic, but in poetry one can take some liberties that one cannot in prose. You have many sentence fragments in there. Goo through it and make sure you're writing in full sentences. The sentence fragments distract from what you are trying to oget across.

Good descriptions, though. :)

Loveless
06-15-2006, 06:37 PM
It is really good, I will be awaiting the rest of it