Possessed

[SleepyWitch]

yet another poem :) i hope it's not schmaltzy or anything :)
please criticize. thanks :)

Possessed

Some days he's on my mind so much,
I know not who I am.
Turning his sorrows over in my head
I float above these smouldering limbs.
Whose pain is it I'm feeling,
a tangled mess of his and mine?
His soul reflected in my eyes,
my seething mind a mirror
of his thoughts,
I stagger through a crimson haze
and toss my blubbing heart
into a sea of madness.

Then sleep at last defeats him
and in cold dream's embraces we find
what cannot be,
relieved that while we're waking
our separate lives hold sway.

[Weeping Willow]

hmmm....
nice... there are some lines i didn't like..
(though i'm not a critic or something just givin my opinion ok... )
My main problam is i can't seem to get a ryhitam.. it feels (once again to me...) that some lines cut one another... .. (dunno if that the eay to say it)

like:


Then sleep at last defeats him
and in cold dream's embraces we find
what cannot be,


dunno... it just doesn't fit in my head... o.O... maybe it's just me..

sorry...

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, don't apologize...
i feel some lines are rather wobbly, too. but i was thinking of the first half of the poem rather than the passage you quoted :) well, let's see what the others think.
thanks for your comment :)

[Weeping Willow]

My pleasure... :p