Colors Of Life

[Gokhan]

This is my first poem posted on the Literature Network forums. I hope you will like it. Feel free to write your opinions as I will be highly glad of getting constructive critisicm.

Colors Of Life
by Gokhan

Blue, as freedom regulates the forlorn sky
Among flying creatures upon our cry
Tempted by the standards not tend to simplify
Agreeing its domination for peace to nullify

Red, as rage convinces weak minds to falter
Untouchable for the need by any individual
Regret shall come to finalize after the arrival
Yet the disturbance already altered the mortal

Black, as death foredooms the closing of hearts
Last stop before the eternal compromise
Eyes are shut to not seemingly witness the sacrifice
A try of reaching the Lord under his disguise

White, as pureness reflects the hidden quality
Sacred amazement towards an unknown facility
Confronting any illness by a belief to carry
Celebration for life to emphasize its own beauty

Salvo of colors, as life is based on their balance
A recent creation after white and black’s severance
Request for blue’s control is spoken by mind’s willingness
Red ought to be conquered to keep the state of hopefulness

[mir]

very nice! it has a lot of good feelings and images in it. a few suggestions, though - the rhythm is a bit choppy, and i'm not sure what you wanted to do with the style. is it a rhyming poem? it rhymes in some places but not in others; that can be good in a poem - and it lends a nice irregularity to yours in some places - but you might want to even it out a bit. you've got all the right ideas - edit it just a bit, and you'll have a great poem!

[Gokhan]

very nice! it has a lot of good feelings and images in it. a few suggestions, though - the rhythm is a bit choppy, and i'm not sure what you wanted to do with the style. is it a rhyming poem? it rhymes in some places but not in others; that can be good in a poem - and it lends a nice irregularity to yours in some places - but you might want to even it out a bit. you've got all the right ideas - edit it just a bit, and you'll have a great poem!

Actually the end of lines always rhyme with each other but every quartet have a different rhyme scheme. If you wanted to say that it is the problem, then I prefer it should stay as it is but there are rhymes in every line. I thought of evening the lines but I decided to not afterwards however I might consider making it.

[mir]

okay - i see. the rhymes are just a bit irregular. i'm always being told to do that in my peoms (and take a typing class - sorry!), though, so i guess i just can't see it in others! i still think that some of the words may be a bit long, or the lines a bit too wordy - one of the things i often look for in the poem is being able to keep track of the rhymes at the end of lines (which are a bit hidden by the line length), and also being able to hold onto the meaning throughout the stanza. however, in your poem, the length of lines in consistent, so it just makes the line gain a new style. it's not a type i'm used to, but that's probably the reason i think it's too wordy. the only line that really stands out is the "seemingly" in "Eyes are shut to not seemingly witness the sacrifice". otherwise . . . it's good! and even though that word sticks out,

Black, as death foredooms the closing of hearts
Last stop before the eternal compromise
Eyes are shut to not seemingly witness the sacrifice
A try of reaching the Lord under his disguise

is still my favorite part. i'd like to see any other poems you post - i could learn to like this style!