B-Mental
12-19-2005, 04:51 AM
Hours drift by like minutes, and days are only separated by fluoresent light and darkness. It is during these times that my mind leaves me, and I begin to wonder. I wonder to myself, "When did it all begin? Where was I? How did I lose my mind?" The exact moment will forever elude me, but one thing is certain. The lid doesn't close on the box snugly like it did before.
I don't look any different than I did before. I'm no wild eyed, besheveled, spectacle, but the truth is much scarier. I suffer from a common ailment. I have a bipolar disorder. Everyone with this is unique. They endure the world with touch of whimsy, until the bottom falls out.
I remember visiting a doctor for mild hypertension. He asked, "...and how are we feeling today?" We. I'm sure it was just his bedside manner, but what did he mean by we? I replied that things couldn't be better, in fact I told him, "I must be bipolar, because I'm on top of the world. I might have manic/manic disorder." He laughed at my diagnosis, but I can assure you the good doctor was a fool. The truth was I did feel as though I could do anything. This is the high side of bipolar, mania. The thing about mania is that when in the throes of it you acquire a certain charisma. People are drawn to that smile, or that laugh. When I am deep in the throes of mania, it is amazing that I can recognise the symptoms of it in others.
Another symptom of mania, for me at least, is the loss of sensations such as pain. I distinctly remember pulling my clavicle out from the tissue between my ribs, and then walking down the side of a mountain several miles to get help. Just a couple of nights later I was out on the dance floor, and a co-worker of mine told me to stop taking drugs. The truth was that the only thing I was taking was children's aspirin.
There is a correlation between bipolar disorder and creativity. When I am manic I paint, sculpt, go way out of my way for a unique picture, and play the harmonica. I've played it for years, and never will I sound again the way I do when I am manic. People look at me and stare, amazed at the music that I make, and they always tell me that they were blown away when I unleash the feedback and the sounds in my head are broadcast to those in earshot. I can remember painting dozens of pictures in just a couple of hours prior to a gig, and then racing off to set up to play with total strangers, and feeling quite at home. Those are just a couple of other symptoms though.
The other side of bipolar disorder is depression. It is pain, and it is loss, and it is personal. I'll just keep it to myself if you don't mind.
But then I get back to wondering when and where it was that the curtains stopped closing completely.
I don't look any different than I did before. I'm no wild eyed, besheveled, spectacle, but the truth is much scarier. I suffer from a common ailment. I have a bipolar disorder. Everyone with this is unique. They endure the world with touch of whimsy, until the bottom falls out.
I remember visiting a doctor for mild hypertension. He asked, "...and how are we feeling today?" We. I'm sure it was just his bedside manner, but what did he mean by we? I replied that things couldn't be better, in fact I told him, "I must be bipolar, because I'm on top of the world. I might have manic/manic disorder." He laughed at my diagnosis, but I can assure you the good doctor was a fool. The truth was I did feel as though I could do anything. This is the high side of bipolar, mania. The thing about mania is that when in the throes of it you acquire a certain charisma. People are drawn to that smile, or that laugh. When I am deep in the throes of mania, it is amazing that I can recognise the symptoms of it in others.
Another symptom of mania, for me at least, is the loss of sensations such as pain. I distinctly remember pulling my clavicle out from the tissue between my ribs, and then walking down the side of a mountain several miles to get help. Just a couple of nights later I was out on the dance floor, and a co-worker of mine told me to stop taking drugs. The truth was that the only thing I was taking was children's aspirin.
There is a correlation between bipolar disorder and creativity. When I am manic I paint, sculpt, go way out of my way for a unique picture, and play the harmonica. I've played it for years, and never will I sound again the way I do when I am manic. People look at me and stare, amazed at the music that I make, and they always tell me that they were blown away when I unleash the feedback and the sounds in my head are broadcast to those in earshot. I can remember painting dozens of pictures in just a couple of hours prior to a gig, and then racing off to set up to play with total strangers, and feeling quite at home. Those are just a couple of other symptoms though.
The other side of bipolar disorder is depression. It is pain, and it is loss, and it is personal. I'll just keep it to myself if you don't mind.
But then I get back to wondering when and where it was that the curtains stopped closing completely.