Shut up! ((edited))

[Phoenix_Tears]

Shut up!
Just stop screaming i can't take it all in
I'm boiling inside the confines of my skin
I'm going to burst! Leave me be!
I need space to ****ing breathe!

But then when you leave, i feel no more fight
It is almost like the ground took flight
Suspended am i , cliff hanger in my mind
Where i search to find
A foothold, something to be sure of
I need some kind of sign from above!
I feel so cold, so alone

Yet Alone in my mind
I search to find
Something i can hold on to
A foothold , anything i can hold on to
But all i find, is that i have nothing to believe in anymore


((YOU know i am thinking of making this a song. This might be it's form))

Shut UP!
(First Verse)
Shut up!
Just stop screaming i can't take it all in
I'm boiling inside the confines of my skin
I'm going to burst! Leave me be!
I need space to ****ing breathe!

((Kind of like the beginning of 'Crawling' by linkin park, how they use the chorus as the introduction.))

(Chorus, which i have yet to write)

(Second Verse)

then when you leave
i feel no more fight
It is almost like the ground took flight
Suspended am i
cliff hanger in my mind
Where i search to find
A foothold
something to be sure of
I need some kind of sign from above!
I feel so cold, so alone

(Chorus 2x)

Alone in my mind
I search to find
Something i can hold on to
A foothold , anything i can hold on to
But all i find, is that i have nothing to believe in anymore

[Dyrwen]

nice... somewhat of an anti-climactic ending, seems like it had another stanza left in it. Suppose your anger was hard pressed to get more writing in, good feel to it though.

[Phoenix_Tears]

it did..lol
but i didnt like it that much

[Isagel]

I like the strong feeling in your poem. The anger, but also things under the anger.

With a little editing I think it can turn into something great. Things we write as a way of letting things out usually needs some . For example I would suggest taking out "I swear it" and have the lines go:

I'm going to burst. Leave me be!
I need space to ****ing breathe

It makes a good rythm. At least I think so.

But, it´s just my five cents. If you like it the way it is , just let it be.

[Phoenix_Tears]

exellent suggestion.
Thankee