Suicide-Oopsie, too real.

[Dyrwen]

I wrote this about 3-4 days ago, seemed so good that 2 people thought it was a suicide note as I went to kill myself. heh, I figure that's a good sign of good writing. What'dyouthink?

Suicide

Every night I look down at my hands,
those blue soaked veins staring at me,
mocking me with a lust for hate they breathe,
entrusting my future to finally save me.

Why make myself believe a lie?
When all I can do is beat myself down,
to stop myself from ending it all,
from breaking down into tears infront of it all.

The pain, is so great,
so loving, is hate.
Difficult to leave it for this tortured saint,
to find myself dead infront of the sink.
Challenging to leave all that life is,
to finally see the end and no consequences.

It's all so reasonable, so sensible too,
no reason to live, not for me or you.
We've nothing to live for, not even our lives,
we're just passing through, hoping not to die.
Why live for a life of joy that is eventually a lie?

Suppose it stops you from wasting your life in a sobbing cry,
keeps one from thinking about the world we all live in;
trying to ignore the death that will come for us soon.
Hard to imagine, the millions that die,
each day of our lives, they perish without regard.
Seemingly gone forever too, trapped in nowhere,
but without pain now.

And how good it must feel, to never know,
to be without thought nor care,
dead without a stare, living in death,
so blissfully unaware.

And then it leaves you, and you're nothing more,
non existent and dead, no longer alive,
and forever gone from the world you once had.

Somehow, that is unknown,
scary and worrysome now, yet nothing to fear,
one must wonder why we all must live,
when the death forthcoming brings no regret.

Acceptance and love, I've found for my death,
wishing my blood accross the walls spread.
Forcing the life out of me, so that all my worries end,
so that my brain stops and I cease to be, to finally die,
that is the goal you see.

Laying there now, as my blue veins pour,
smiling happily, as the tears stream down,
an ended life and no regrets, for what is there to think,
once you're dead?

[alissa]

an amazing poem. dark--yes, but touching at the same time. and as long as its not a real suicide note---its a f*cking great poem.

[Phoenix_Tears]

This is my kind of poetry, I love it. I was engrossed. Not to mention i have related to those emotions quite often.
I love how you wrote the beginning, about the blue soaked veins mocking you.

Keep it coming, just know at least someone liked it
-Phoenx

[Dyrwen]

Heh, thank you all. I always like my first stanza's, since they're always spur of the moment, the rest of it is always just following an initial thought. Instead of just being part of it.

I'll have to realize my need for death more often eh? hehe

[right_and_gone]

I'll have to realize my need for death more often eh? hehe

yeah only if it keeps you writing and not actually following through with it.. great, i to have related....

rightandgone

[Dyrwen]

At least if I somehow manage to go through with it without knowing it, I won't regret it, since it's too late to think, when I'm just dead. hehe..

Annoying how all my arts need suffering to exist productively.

[AbdoRinbo]

Why do you think it is 'annoying'?

[Dyrwen]

It'd be more pleasing to know I could just do art without having to do something painful to spur it on.

[AbdoRinbo]

The park bench can be a lonely place. :D Right, den?

Hee hee hee hee.

[AbdoRinbo]

Canada must be a barren wasteland. :(

[AbdoRinbo]

Come to America, where there is freedom and education. :D

[Dyrwen]

It's not about forgetting who we are, it's just that realizing one's absolute lack of purpose, outside of living to the fullest, or at least to the supposed best of lives, is merely just without point. Sometime, you've just gotta die, and if **** really does get you down sometimes and helps you see "You know, death is quite an answer, no responsibility nor regret" then you might either go through with it or fight against it creating pain and art from it, as some of us apparently have. Hehe.. the thought of death is the best thing I can think of, but really, since I won't be alive nor aware to experience it, I figure I'll drag whatever I can out of life before I need to end it. Not like I'm missing out on death, it'll be there when I'm ready, or even when I'm not.

Nice for me to take comfort in knowing, no matter how weird the world gets and what unpredictable things occur, eventually, you're just gonna stop existing, and you won't even know it. Inevitability..gotta love it. [/rant]

Talk about hijacking! heh

[AbdoRinbo]

What are you waiting for, Dyrwen?

[Dyrwen]

What are you waiting for, Dyrwen?
Something better. As the above post showed a bit of at the moment.

There's plenty of time to die, might as well give life a try. I've only lived 17 years of it, figure I'll try 17 more, see how that goes. Since up till now, it's been all education. Very little "learning."

I have always figured I overthink things too much, analyzing the possibilities too thoroughly to even manage to convince myself suicide will be an effective option. But I'll know after I try out the job world. Once that's out of the way, I should be about set to go for death. Figure, hey, while I'm alive on this rock of ****, might as well see what it has to offer.

That's my usual perspective on life, 'you can end it at anytime, but you know, it might suck a lot at times, or even all the time, but it beats the alternative; feeling nothing at all, nor even knowing it.'

Just an optimistic pessimism from me..

[AbdoRinbo]

Do you still have suicidal tendencies, den?

[Koa]

It'd be more pleasing to know I could just do art without having to do something painful to spur it on.

I think art would hardly exist otherwise. I can't write anything when I'm happy, I do write a lot when I'm depressed. Shame now most of the time I really feel nothing (or at least nothign that can lead to anything creative or just constructive)... that's why i feel so old, like there's nothign left to do anymore.

I can relate with most of what has been said here... I've written some poems about suicide but I'm still too shy to show them, noone has never seen them or knows about them.

Out of topic: hey den, is it you in the pic? Oh and now I know your age, I thought you were 20something ;) Not that it matters of course. :)

[Dyrwen]

Actually, I've written some good "no feeling" apathetic poems too. Heh, had to write something, even if I wasn't feeling particularly one way or another.

[Jay]

Agreed Den, age is a state of mind. If not, then I'd surelly be old and wrinkly a few times... and then in diapers other days :D... so how old am I? ;)

[Koa]

Out of topic: hey den, is it you in the pic? Oh and now I know your age, I thought you were 20something Not that it matters of course.

Yes that's me in my avatar... maybe TMI... but anyway, age is a state of mind, sometimes I know I've been here for years, but I like the times when I know I have a lot to learn still...

TMI??? What's that? ;)

Yep they say...age is a state of mind...and my mind suddenly felt like 80 when I was 16. Now I'm 85.



EEK...my 300th post!!!

[AbdoRinbo]

'But I started drifting, around the part about me acting my age.' -- Ben Folds.

[fayefaye]

"... but it beats the alternative; feeling nothing at all, nor even knowing it."

Hey I like that, I've struggled for years with issues of depression and honestly the one thing I can say is that even when it's as horrible as it can be, the lowest of the low and all that crap, at least I'm feeling something. It scares me tho' when people around me cause me to realise I don't know how bad I seem... (

I don't unfeel or unbe when I'm depressed. That's the thing. My depression just means I'm far too painfully alive. My unfeeling and unbeing is when I'm in everyday life, and following the trivial everyday things of life begins to make me feel so trapped; everything's so mediocre, nothing ever changes, everything becomes so boring that I start to feel nothing at all. Like a friend'll crack a joke and I won't even respond. I just feel like screaming and running away somewhere.

As for realising what others really think of you, lately I've become a big believer in 'do what you feel like', which is an ok theory, but sucks a bit in practise. Like one day one of my friends comes up to me and goes, 'you know, I'm really glad I ended up friends with you. When I first met you I thought you were so stuck up.' because I don't like polite chitchat, and don't usually talk to people I don't know, which I guess makes me seem stuck up sometimes. It's weird when you realise people have so many weird perceptions of you; based on just the way you seem and not how you really are. That's the other thing too; it makes you really paranoid to think that people might dislike you and you don't even realise. Insults are always easier to believe. As for suicide, Ive considered, but never attempted it.

[heretic]

We've nothing to live for, not even our lives,
we're just passing through, hoping not to die.

I strongly disagree. I dont b'lieve any purpose or anything of that sort.But happiness is what we live for. And hope keeps us live that we will be happy. I felt like this before. But now i've changed since I feel better in this state than when I was in yours'.

D

[heretic]

We've nothing to live for, not even our lives,
we're just passing through, hoping not to die.

I strongly disagree. I dont b'lieve any purpose or anything of that sort.But happiness is what we live for. And hope keeps us live that we will be happy. I felt like this before. But now i've changed since I feel better in this state than when I was in yours'.

D

[Dyrwen]

Yes.. of course. Although the hope for happiness, keeping one happy, is merely a delusion. That of the future possibilities, merely an illusion to keep one sane and content, so as not to face the harsh possibilities of pain in the future. Happiness is possible, but so is the opposites, in all areas.

It's just the differing opinions of a pessimist with an optimistic outlook on being pessimistic, and an optimist with an outlook as pessimism being truly optimistic. :D

[fayefaye]

i forgot to comment on your poem, dyrwen.. it was dark and slightly scary.. but good too.

[heretic]

I b'lieve there is a thin demarcation between illusion & reality. Sometimes I dont find any demarcation at all. So if an illusion makes me happy I conitnue with that illusion.

[heretic]

I read a good story in the site http//cautionwetfloor.com/ which is slightly related to what we talk abt.

Click the stories link and read the story Mercy Killing. which I think is very good.

[gatsbysghost]

Just a bit of advice, the next time you feel like offing yourself, do something reckless that you have always been afraid to do. A few years ago, my best friend was killed in a car wreck. I was lost. I felt that I had nothing left to live for. I couldn't tell if I was already dead or not. I felt nothing but a constant hole that my soul was dissapearing into. At the local lake, there is a ninety foot cliff that leads down to 25 feet of water. Whenever Jason and I would be out riding jet skis, we would talk about what it would be like to jump from it. I'm not afraid of heights, but that cliff scared the **** out of me. Two weeks after he died, I decided that I had had enough of this world. I drove to the lake that night to have one more look at the place where I had spent so much time with my friend. I swam over to the cliff and climbed to the top. As I sat there crying, I made the decision to shoot myself as soon as I got back to my car. Then it donned on my there wasn't ever going to be another time to tempt my fate at this cliff. I stood up and took a deep breath. Then, I jumped as high as I could into the air. It seemed like an eternity. Finally I hit the water. After much effort, I resurfaced and took a deep breath. I can't explain what I was feeling, but I can tell you that I was smiling for the first time in two weeks. I realized that I was still alive. At my lowest point, I found more strength inside myself than I have ever known.

[rocksea]

well, pain, despair, these hard feelings are those which
seduce you to write something, mostly.
but i don't think, am not sure, if u can write
something like this if when u feel life meaningless,,
u must have felt it somewhere in life,,
or else u may've to find out some meaning in
writing out the meaningless-ness of life?

anyways, ur 'suicide note' do take us to that feeling,
'of the emptiness u may feel, whatever u do'

and the reply by gatsbysghost do take us back to enjoying
the spirit of life,,
it is wonderful, to experience both!

[Dyrwen]

Hm, talk about a tangent. To save thought, as I have an SAT in 30 minutes:

"It's only after you've lost everything, that you're ever truly free to do anything."-Tyler Durden (Fight Club) loose quotation