My Book!

[yellowfeverlime]

I am writing a book. It is very bad, and confusing, but it could go far. It has a copyright, and so it is safe, and... well, please criticize!:

Jason Stiller sat talking to his girlfriend Katrina Besell, on the beach around sunset.
“I’ll miss you… I wish I didn’t have to go to college so far away. I know… well, think, that we’ll see each other again. Anyways, you can always come up to see me. I know that you might miss me and all… but, there are other priorities in life. Maybe when we get together again, we can talk about… you know… the ‘m’ word.” Katrina said.
Katrina was an 18 year old girl going off to college. She had fierce red hair, and aqua-green eye’s. Equipped with a stylish attitude, she was considered her family drama queen. Jason , on the other hand, had jet black hair, and magenta eyes. Jason was seventeen and a half, and was a jock from the day he was born,. He could careless about college and as long as baseball was a sport, he wouldn’t even think of stepping foot into a college.
Jason and Katrina had been going out for the past 8 month‘s. As far as he knew, he hadn‘t kept any secrets from her, but now he found out that it wasn‘t like-wise with her., but he couldn’t understand why she would just tell him the day before that she’s going off to college. He would miss her, and was already thinking up ways to go and visit her.
“Just say it… ‘Marriage’…and why would you lie to me. You know I would’ve encouraged you to do what you want. I would’ve been there for you…”
“I was worried… I wanted to be with you, without you trying to impress me… trying to get me to stay,” Katrina said thoughtfully, “and now it sounds pretty stupid.”
She leaned in to kiss him, but he quickly moved away, and looked at her with sad eyes.
“You think that you can just kiss me, and I’ll forgive you?” Jason said, choosing his words carefully, “You lied to me. This is a really big thing. You must have known this for a long time. College takes a lot of planning. I’ve never cheated, or even lie to you. And you don’t even tell me. If you have anymore lies, or ‘secrets’, tell me now.”
“No,” Katrina said as a tear came from her right eye, followed by a second and third, “Yes.. I cheated on you.”
Katrina had blurted the words out, as if she didn’t even think of what she was saying. After she admitted of her crime, she ran away towards the summerhouse they had rented, leaving Jason sitting in the sand stunned, not even trying to stop her.
When he finally collected himself, he slowly walked back towards the sand colored beach house, walking like he was nervous. He finally got to the door, and wasn’t surprised when he found that her suitcases were gone, and as well as her car. He tried calling her cell phone, but had no luck. He sat on the magenta couch, thinking, what am I going to do. I can’t ask my parents to take me in, with tears in my eyes. I guess maybe they will have all of the advice. Maybe I will… but what if she comes back and notices I’m not here. Should I leave a note. I can’t pay for the beach house all on my own. I don’t have enough money.
The next day went by, and Jason just watched TV on the television, sitting by the phone waiting for a phone call. The phone call never came, but instead he received a letter, with, in place of a return address, just the name:
Katrina Sebelle
When he opened the letter, right away he noticed that it was from the letter writing station he had gotten her for last Christmas. I t had pink flowers interlocking around the border, and the lines were a pale peach, and the ink was in a soft tan color. The handwriting was hers, and it was obvious that she had written it in a hurry. He was worried about what it would say, and he hoped that she would ask for him to forgive her:
Dear Jason,
As you know by now, we probably won’t ever see each other again. I cheated, I lied… I did everything possible thing I could to make your life miserable. Right now, you’re thinking that I intentionally hurt you, planning it from the start. That’s not true. It just…. Happened. Once it happened, I couldn’t stop. I loved you. I really did. I know that no matter how much I hurt you, you still have a soft side.The reason why I cheated on you, and recently dumped you was because I thought you were too boring… but let’s save you from all of the details. I’m sure that somewhere in this world… somewhere there is the perfect girl for you. The girl that will make all of your dreams come true. She’s out there. Forget about me. You shouldn’t be all depressed… it’s not right. You should be happy. Yes, you can be angry at me… I don’t care. But of course, you can write letters that will never be sent cause you will never find out my boyfriends house. I’m living there now, and I’m going off to college next month. I hope you forgive me, but I guess I will never find out. Remember, that perfect girl is waiting, now go and find her.
Sorry,
Katrina Sebelle
Jason reread the letter three more times, and sunk deep down into the over plush couch. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. He knew that they were no longer boyfriend/girlfriend, but he didn’t think that she would be so cold.
The days went by like sitting down on a couch on a rainy day watching the second hand on a clock move from second to second. He had a special routine, consisting of waking up, sinking as deep as humanly possible into the magenta couch, turning the T.V. on, and reading the letter (which was useless as to the fact hat he had already memorized it.). He did not break this routine until three weeks after he had broken up with Katrina.
For the first time in a week Jason stepped out into the heat of the red October morning sun. the instant he turned his gaze from the houses surrounded by trees and brush to the calm ocean waters near the summer house’s private beach, his head and heart were invaded by memories of the beautiful sunset and the awful breakup. He wanted to get as far away from this summerhouse as possible.
His bags were out, and he was starting to pack up his belongings. He had finally made up his mind. He was going to go out to some city and rent an apartment. He wanted to get away from a place that held bad memories that invaded his every thought, dream, hope, belief, and decision of his. It killed to know that someone didn’t like him, especially someone he loved, and he thought she loved him back. He was wrong. By Wednesday of the third week after the breakup he had destroyed the letter from Katrina in the fireplace to the far right of the magenta couch. He had finished packing the main things, and made a decision to stay in the summerhouse for about three or four more days, which he could pay for just barely without going totally broke. On Thursday he stood on the doorstep looking out wondering if Katrina was really right… that the perfect girl was somewhere in the world, waiting for him. He suddenly turned his focus to a couple walking on the sidewalk together. The man, about ‘5”9, was wearing only a bathing suit, and was tanned fairly. He looked in his mid-twenties, and had brawn hair with blonde streaks here-and-there, and was stocky with big muscles. His face was round and he had a flat nose. His right ear was pierced. He held hands with a lady who was about the same height and had red-orange hair. She had a lot of make-up on and had a normal face with a normal nose. She had a two piece bathing suit on and was tanned much darker than the guy, but had fewer muscles from what he could see. Jason felt jealous as he saw them walking down the street holding hands and having a good time. They were walking quickly towards the suburbs, where newly weds usually get there first house, and as they walked he thought that that the lady had glimpsed at him. It must have been a brain lapse, or a mirage, because the girl was tickling the guy, and looked as if nothing would take her attention off of the guy. They walked farther and started to disappear. They took a right down the Newlywed Street, and completely disappeared from his sight.
He knew that jealousy was a bad thing, but there were many exceptions for him. He was sad anyways, and seeing that couple disappear into the midst of a growing relationship killed his heart and his self-esteem. It made him all the more determined to leave the summer house where memories would engulf his soul. He wanted to go somewhere… anywhere. He didn’t care. He just wanted to get out. He slowly started packing all of the remaining items, which were the ones of importance to him, each item suspended in the air for a moment or two, each one bringing good and bad memories. He placed each neatly into a brown leather suitcase and tightly zippering it up. He put it next to the pile near the brown door. He sat down and went over his agenda. He would call his parents, tell them he was leaving and not coming back to the summer house. And h also wanted to talk to that couple. He wanted to know how they found each other, and how they knew it was true love. He had decided that this task was not a mandatory thing, and that if something else came up, then he could easily put it off.
Knock… Ding…
Jason moved over to the door and opened and stared at the people staring back at him.
“Hello?” Jason said, unsure about what to follow up with.
He stood stunned when it finally set in his mind that the couple he had just watched disappear down that other street was standing at his front door.
“Hi!” The couple both said in a synchronized tone. They both looked at each other and laughed and called ‘Jinx, Knock on wood,’ and giggled like little children.
“Well… come in.” Jason said, as he was squirming at the front door, nervous and feeling that his every step was being watched.
“Let’s cut to the intro’s… I’m Johnny, and she’s Sarah. Sarah, you can take over.” Johnny said.

[yellowfeverlime]

“OK, well, we were walking down the street, and we saw you. And, well, you kinda looked lonely, and we kinda felt bad for you. We decided that we would like to give you a puppy. A little random and crazy, giving a puppy to a person who could be a convict, no offense to you. But Claire, our dog, had puppies. 2 girls, 3 boys, and we don’t want any dogs, except Claire, of course. We have been thinking of who to give them to, but we don’t want to sell them… they most likely will end up in the wrong hands. But we decided that maybe we would look around the neighborhood to see if anyone would want them. So… would you like a boy… well, dog, boy… um, yea,” Sarah said, then said in a tiresome tone,”
At the moment, he saw a yellow dog run out of the corner of the house, and the dog run to the stoop, until it jumped the steps. As if the dog had planned it, it jumped in mid-air, and expected Jason to catch it. Luckily, Jason had quick reflexes. The dog slobbered all over the carpet, and licked Jason in the face. When Jason looked at the dog, the dog’s eyes were sad, but were excited.
“Wow!” Jason exclaimed, “I don’t know how to thank you. I think I’ve made a friend for life.
“You don’t have to thank us. We should thank you for taking him off of our hand,” she continued on, “and he’s a full bred, and we have to show you how to feed him in the early stages. Um… anything else?”
“No, I don’t think so… Here’s our phone number, in case you need anything, and we live on 23 Newlywed Road.” Johnny said, and also muttered under his breath, such a gay street name.
Sarah came up to Jason and hugged him and whispered in his ear:
“Tiny Alcove, 2 PM, today.”
Jason didn’t say anything, mostly because he had weird suspicions that she did not want Johnny to know.
“I want to thank you so much for taking this dog for us. It’s not that big of a deal, but,, we just want to thank you.” Sarah said a little louder.
“Your welcome.” Jason said so it was easy for Johnny to hear.

Thanks, please criticize!

[B-Mental]

Hello again Stevie. Just a couple of things, and I promise to try not to be too critical.

1.This is a story, not a book. Please, before you continue to write more to this, ask yourself..."Whom are you writing for?" Establish your audience, and then try to write to maintain interest for your audience. I don't feel any compulsion to continue to read, if you won't slap me and get my attention.

2. Steve, you write very well, but its sort of matter of fact. Try to suggest some of the details and let the reader fill in the details with their imagination.

3. Don't waste your time getting a copyright for an unfinished project. A copyright is to prevent illegal copying of original work.

4. Please can we do something about that signature of yours. It is annoying to see that you write a brief post and then your signature occupies the space of three other posts. It is particularly obvious in your post above me 1 signature = 3 paragraphs of writing. Thanks, good luck, and don't stop writing.

[yellowfeverlime]

I have not finished it!!!!!!!!!!! It will be a book when it is finished! And sorry, but maybe you will apperciate the signiature more when you click the link!

[B-Mental]

Sorry clicked the link, and would greatly appreciate it abbreviated to 2 tops three of the links. Thanks. Take a look at your post above, and then at this one. Yours screams desperately look at me look, look, look, look, look,loo,are you looking look again. Do you really need all of these

What is your book about? Describe the premise. Do you like the start of your book?

[subterranean]

I guess Steve has a thing with sites

[yellowfeverlime]

BTW: Exactly; LOOK, LOOK, LOOK! I like to promote my stuff!
And i will write a summary lata. Not now tho.

[OedipusReD]

i read the last line
it should read
"You're welcome."

and buddy's right, but with audience have a brief (even if vague) synopsis
i've written (wrote?) myself into many a deep holes leading no where in hopes of finding something meaningful, sometimes you get lucky and find treasure, but without a map you usually end up finding more and more dirt, maybe the skeleton of that hamster you buried in grade 3, but mostly dirt.

[B-Mental]

Hopefully you'll come back and see some suggestions that might help

"Jason was seventeen and a half, and was a jock from the day he was born,. "

I can't think of any writers that introduce characters referring to their age in fractions. Can you describe this to me in another way? I'm not sure about the second half of the sentence either. Jock is so nondescript. What type of jock; quarterback, wrestler, center on the roundball team, goalie, gymnast? I'm sure you can find a way to describe the physical appearance more engagingly.

I like the paragraphs in the begining and feel the dialogue is fine, but where are they? Can you set it up better than this?

Writers can spend years writing a piece. Struggling to find just the right word, phrase, or even punctuation. Its very brave of you to put your writing in the public at its inception, but criticism is hard to take (for all of us). OK, nuff said!

Finally, I hope you will accept my apology. If any of my comments have offended. I'm truly sorry.

[B-Mental]

OK, I know that you will come back, so I'll continue to post. Please I'm confused.

Jason , on the other hand, had jet black hair, and magenta eyes.

Its a very striking image, but is it really what you want to use?

magenta

adj : deep purplish red n 1: a dark purple-red; the dye was discovered in 1859, the year of the battle of Magenta [syn: fuchsia]

[Ricardo_b]

I'm sorry the off-topic yellowfeverlime, but I am really curious. How do you copyright something, what's the process, where do you go? Just curious. Will need it one day.

[Reichenbach]

Wow! Don't stop writing, it's going really well! Just a couple of little things . . .

1) You use the adjective 'magenta' twice in about three paragraphs. Also you used it to describe the guys eyes? Not so sure of that.

2) Another thing was the opening, it seemed slightly abrupt! Very good, but abrupt!

Trying to be helpfull rather than critical, hope you keep on writing,
Reichenbach

[yellowfeverlime]

to copyright something for free, which means you can sue anyone who uses your poem without permission, go to this website:

http://www.itsonlywords.com

[Themis]

This only works on the Internet.

[yellowfeverlime]

i HAVE a new short story. I ma finishing it now, but i can't wait. So here it is.


Freckles
My dog jumed on my lap and sat there staring at me with those innocent eyes. I knew that he wanted something but i didn't know what it was.
"What do you want," i asked, "I've got nothing i can give you."
Freckles, his name, just sat there still expecting something, though had no idea that i had no clue what that something was.
"What" I asked again, "do you want?"
Freckles whined, then nudged my chest. Normally i would have found this somewhat cute and would have gotten up and refilled his bowls, but right now my favorite show was on. It was the season opener, and it was the kind of show that if you miss one episode, you miss the whole thing.
"FRECKLES," I screamed, "move outta the way!"
Freckles slowly sulked over to the corner, recognizing my annoyed voice.
I continued watching my show, and got up during my comercial to fill his bowl with his food and some cold water. He was still sulking over in his corner, but was now asleep. I thought, 'good, maybe he won't bother me.'
I quickly put some popcorn into the microwave and set the time for a miniute fifty and sped over to my couch and watched the TV and waited for the TV to play my show.
Five minutes passed and my eyes were glued to the screen as my show took surprising twists and turns. I didn't notice when Freckles got up and walked out into the hallway, but then again, i was so used to him doing that, and i would never in a million years thought anything pecular about him doing that.
The next comercial i got up and took my popcorn out of the microwave, and took a sniff of the popcorn.
Right as i sniffed the popcorn, i thought of Freckles. Freckles does that before he eats his popcorn. I then remembered our ritual.
Our ritual was that everytime i had popcorn, freckles was the first one to eat a piece
I called him over to the kitchen and waited a few seconds and then tapped my foot impatiently waiting for his face to appear over from the side of the arch leading from the hallway into the kitchen
Two minutes came by and I gave up waiting for him to come over and i went over to watch my TV show.
Maybe he'll come over and will beg for some later. I plopped the first piece onto the floor, and made a mental note to remember that Freckles was the one who actually ate the first piece. I sat down and again glued my eyes to the screen.
Fifteen minutes later i rubbed my eyes and tried to get my eyes acquainted with the new darkness. I looked down on the ground and i noticed that the piece of popcorn was still on the ground.
Nothing in my mind said that anything was wrong. I just thought that maybe he was sleeping, and had gotten up early today. I put some tea on and cooked another batch of popcorn and waited by the popcorn as i watched the plate inside circle numerous times.
Actually, by the time my tea had finished, i totally forgot about Freckles. I even stepped on the piece of popcorn as i was sitting down, and didn't even notice it. I felt perfectly fine, like there was a merry spirit in the house. I didn't think anything of anything except what the cliff-hanger would be.
The last fifteen minutes of my show were on, and i sat on the couch. I might as well have had my mouth hanging open because that was how i felt. My show took me by surprise by killing of one of the main characters. I had never expected that. The TV show, much to my despair, ended with the dead main character opening their eyes.
I turned on the TV in my bedroom on and to max volume.

I am almost finished...

[underground]

well, if you're almost finished, then the book must be a short one. kind of like one of those i'm too cheap to buy and just read at the bookstore to save money and more.

hey, have you heard of fictionpress.com? it's good place for aspiring authors, and you can post your books/stories there for feedback. though if you're planning to contribute an essay, you must also be ready for flamers.

[yellowfeverlime]

actually, that recent one was a short story, not a book... sry bout that.

[samercury]

Is there anymore to the story? I really want to know what happens next :D

[RobinHood3000]

Okay, just showed up here, and would like to offer my constructive criticism on your first post. But first, clarification on copyright law.

Copyright constitutes the legal right to produce and distribute one's work, as well as the defense of that right--it is established as soon as the work is fixed in some tangible form. In the case of most writing, that form is either a hard copy on paper, the data in your computer, or for the rebellious, perhaps even tape recordings. At any rate, once it's created, its copyrighted. You can make your copyright known, if you're worried about someone innocently infringing upon your copyright, with the (c) symbol with or without the word "Copyright,"; the year of completion or year of latest major revision; your name or pseudonym; and the phrase "All Rights Reserved."

REGISTRATION for copyright constitutes something entirely different. Although not necessary to ensure your work is safe, it does allow you to collect damages in a court of law for infringement, a source of considerable leverage when distributing. Most publishers, upon accepting your work, will register it for you. To my knowledge, the only source for a valid copyright in the US is from the United States Copyright Office, the website of which is located here (http://www.copyright.gov). The processing fee runs around $25 (I think...you'd have to check the site to be certain), plus two copies of your manuscript for the Library of Congress.


Okay, now to the critiquing. I assume that in subsequent drafts you'll tweak the spelling and grammar, so I'll skip over it. A humbling quotation from Ernest Hemingway: "The first draft of anything is ****." Keep that in mind every time you start a new piece, revise accordingly, and you'll never go wrong.

The first thing I noticed is that your piece has an awful lot of clichés. I will say this for you: it's relatively difficult to write romantic or dramatic scenes without at least a little cliché once in a while. But you have phrases like "save you from the truth," things that "just...happened," "would've been there for you,"(that one's particularly overused) "couldn't believe this would happen to him," and so on. Try to make your writing exciting, make it exquisitely yours. Anybody can write a dramatic scene--people get published and praised for writing them WELL, and that's what you're setting out to do. Even if you don't want to get published, then you'll want to at least write in a way that makes your friends go "Dude, that was awesome!!" (if your friends are inclined to use words like "Dude" and "Awesome") rather than "It was...nice. Really good." (something I'm familiar with). Keep in mind the power of metaphor and figures of speech (just be careful, as certain ones can also be comparatively trite). For example, the phrase "there for you" is just as easily replaced by the word "supportive," and perhaps more accurately. If that's not enough to float your boat (there's a cliché for you), or make you flip your lid (another), or even to make you jump away from your computer like someone crushed a soda can on your forehead (that one's not), then try writing something stylistically equivalent to that last phrase. "Dependable as the Sun," "supportive as the Great Wall of China," or, if you're a religious person, "omnipresent as {insert deity here}" might better work for you. Totally your prerogative, but something to keep in mind.

The second thing I noticed was that you have a lot of exposition/characterization and not enough dialogue. The problem there is that, for at least some of the piece, the two should be the same. You characterize Jason by saying, "He could care less about college and as long as baseball was a sport, he wouldn’t even think of stepping foot into a college." (emphasis mine) It's a relatively nice turn of phrase, but characterization of what a character THINKS belongs either in his thoughts, in his actions, or in his speech. Perhaps after Katrina leaves him, he practices his swing out of an inability to do anything else, or mutters "Who needs college? I've got my Louisville slugger to come home to..." before breaking out sobbing. You have an entire scene where he's alone and doesn't have anybody watching him, but the jock deal that you billed as such an important part of his character doesn't even come up again.

In the sentence prior to the quotation, you could also put a specific position (Pitcher? Second baseman? Benchwarmer?). Details of this sort tend often to be more engaging. You can also use it to describe more about the character. If he's the pitcher, perhaps he's a stellar leader. If he's the catcher, perhaps he's dependable and reliable (outside of that particular conversation, at least). If he's the benchwarmer, he's got yet another reason to be depressed. Just by replacing one word...simple, yet effective? I'd like to think so.

It appears you like colors. Fair enough, but keep in mind that colors are adjectives, and basing a sentence around the presence of one can sometimes be static and boring. Take your sentence "It had pink flowers interlocking around the border, and the lines were a pale peach, and the ink was in a soft tan color." Each of your three clauses in this (run-on) sentence could use tweaking, but the first sentence comes closer to what you probably want to strive for. What ABOUT the pink flowers? The lines? The ink? Do they glow? Do they shimmer? Do they dance? Do they sit around the house all day eating potato chips and demanding sandwiches from the inkwell? You can put the adjectives "interlocking," "pale peach," and "soft tan" before each of their respective subjects, and VOILA!, you have room to have your flowers, lines, and ink DO something. Remember that a character is READING this letter--how does the fact that he's reading it affect how it's perceived? Perhaps the ink runs from being spattered with tears. Perhaps the lines swim blur together like in a Dali painting. Perhaps the flowers reenact "The Nutcracker Suite" a la Fantasia when our buddy Jason dreams/isn't watching (depending on how surreal you want to be). Using the character's point of view to influence your writing, as well as writing sentences with embellishment before the noun and action afterwards, may make your writing feel more dynamic and, therefore, more interesting to the reader.

Sorry for the massive post. I'll try and get to your other work next time. Best of luck, and I hope this helps.

[arao]

As for the copyright:
This is the wensite for copyright in US: www.copyright.gov
Since the writtings are the copyrightable subject matter, you can register a copyright through procession as described bellow:
1:Make sure your work is a literary work.
2:Put into one envelope or package:
• a completed application Form TX or Short Form TX (choose which form to use)
• a $30 payment to "Register of Copyrights."
• nonreturnable copy(ies) of the material to be registered. Read details on deposit requirements.
3:Send the package to:
Library of Congress
Copyright Office
101 Independence Avenue, S.E.
Washington, D.C. 20559-6000
Your registration becomes effective on the day that the Copyright Office receives your application, payment, and copy(ies) in acceptable form. If your submission is in order, you will receive a certificate of registration in 4 to 5 months.

As how to define whether your work is copyrightable, it must possess the originality and fixation requirements. Originality means the work is independently created by the author and obtain a minimum creativity. Fixation means the work is fixed in any tangible medium ,now know or later developed.

[yellowfeverlime]

Samercury
if you are ever online, plz go to this website, "http://www.geocities.com/yellowfeverlime/stories" This will lead you to my stories website, where you can find the updated versions (sometimes the text is hard to read)