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litlover
10-04-2005, 06:16 PM
'Vincey.'

'Paddy.'

'Jimmy.'

'Sean.'

All the way down, until both teams were chosen and the game could begin. The ball belonged to Peter in No. 2 and when he wasn't available we had to ask nicely if we might borrow it. Sometimes Pete's mum had really bad headaches and would leave the ball inside the front door, which meant we didn't have to disturb her. Once, assigned as ball-getter, I heard her singing a slurred version of 'Danny Boy' and thought her headache must have eased. She seemed to sing quite a lot for a lady with headaches.

Vincey, first pick almost all of the time, was a lame boy whose Polio had left him with a stern outlook on life. I called at his house one day to find him lying full stretch on the kitchen floor. No one else was at home.

'What's the matter Vincey? Are you dyin'?'
'Nothin'. Sometimes I see things I know aren't real so I close my eyes and the pain goes away.'
'Like dreamin'?'
'Far better than a dream. I can make things happen.'
He lay on, eyes closed, rambling in a strange voice. I was frightened.
'Are you coming out or what?' I asked, not caring what the answer might be.
He opened one eye and sought my face. A smile crept across his lips.
'Can you see things?'

As a ten year old I was duty bound to consider the question, and answer truthfully.
'At night I sometimes think I float through my window in a basket.'
He sprung up, his broad hands splayed on the red lino.
'I knew it', he crowed, 'That's you an' me. The rest of 'em only think in black an' white.' He struggled slowly to his feet.
'Boy, I knew it. It's like we're sort of twins.'

I was impressed. He knew I had asthma. 'That's it!' I thought, 'Maybe all us sick boys can see one another's thoughts.' I didn't much care for his 'twins' comparison but made quick plans to get inside the thoughts of Doreen Bryce who lived in number six. She had broken her ankle the previous week and I regarded this as an opportunity to see if she liked me more than specky Sylvester who hung around her like a smell.
'Come on,' I said, fighting a growing panic at this secret power I had been granted, 'They're waitin' to pick the teams.'

He was always chosen first. Our chivalrous procedure was, I later discovered, way ahead of its time.
'Right Vincey. You're in goals and can come outfield a wee bit if you want.'
This arrangement suited all of us and worked most of the time. He dived and tossed himself about unnecessarily between the jumpered goals. As most scoring chances happened from little more than two yards, his acrobatics rarely prevented a goal but we praised him lavishly.
'Aw, bad luck.'
'Nice try, Vincey.'

Over time his prowess as goalkeeper did improve, and the team with him 'between the sticks' were more likely to win.
One day, full of boyish fair play, I decided that the teams required more equal distribution.
'Vincey, you play full back and we'll have Paddy in goals.'
Paddy was a bookish boy whom we suspected was only sent to play with us to disentangle him from the thick tomes he preferred.
The game started and by half time we were five goals in front. Our opposition's forwards complained that Vincey's enthusiasm and strange gait made it impossible to play against him.
'And we can't tackle him properly. He's all over the place an' we're afraid to knock him over.'
It was a fair point. Vincey at full tilt seemed to defy the laws of physics and gravity. His lopsided gait flummoxed the opposition, and us.
We huddled on the half way line. The same competitive urge which had impelled me to make Vincey a full back now persuaded me that the game would improve if he swapped with Paddy.
'I don't mind,' said the lugubrious Paddy.
'We're five up, anyway,' said Vincey, 'They won't get them back if I'm in goals.'
So we made the switch.

They beat us 10-7. Vincey let in eight goals in the second half while we scored none. As I collected my jumper which comprised one half of his goal he shrugged his shoulders and said,
'Sorry. Losing's my fault.'
I managed to bury my disappointment behind a lie,
'Nah. I think you were tired after the first half.'
He slung his jumper over his shoulder and limped away.
'Yeah. I'm tired alright,' he said.

Darlin
10-04-2005, 09:35 PM
This was really good. Started off intriguing, turned amusing and then became quite lovely. I like the way you captured the boys youthful wistfulness. I liked the time period as well though I wonder if the word geek was used then though I don't know exactly what time period it's in just in the age when polio was still problematic so could be up into the 50's? Only one mistake: His lopsidedwas gait flummoxed. Other than that I couldn't say a bad thing at all about this story. It rather begs for more. :)

litlover
10-05-2005, 03:34 AM
Thank you, Darlin. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get anyone to say anything about these little pieces. Very perceptive of you to notice the word 'geek' in there. I did ponder this for awhile and you're right, it wasn't amongst our vocabulary back then (mid-sixties). I have changed it to the non PC 'specky' which was about as disrespectful as we got then. Anyone wearing spectacles, and who got on the wrong side of a non-spec wearer, might expect to be lumbered every so often with this mild abuse.
Once again, thank you for the comment. I will look for some of yours to return the compliment.

LL

Darlin
10-05-2005, 02:11 PM
You're very welcome. It's always a treat to discover little treasures hidden away on this site. I'll have to read some of your other works.

litlover
10-06-2005, 04:44 AM
Thanks Darlin. There are couple more lower down which I'd be delighted to have some thoughts on. I see they have had some reads but no comments. I am unsure, still, what the site requires but am willing to read anyone's and comment on style, content and impact. I look forward to see what folk think of them and I will reciprocate.

LL

B-Mental
10-06-2005, 04:55 AM
I just read your above post, and would like to apoloqise. Sometimes I don't have the time to reply. Other times I don't know what to reply. I like your style, and was wondering are you compiling your writing? This one feels very honest, but for some reason I feel more than see your work. Does this make sense? I'll have to check some of your other threads to see if its the same.

I personally get stuck in descriptions and have problems with flow and conversation. I think you manage the conversation very well in this piece though.

litlover
10-06-2005, 05:56 AM
'I feel more than see your work'- you know, BMental, I think that is one of the best compliments I have ever had. There is no need to apologise for managing your time whichever way you see fit; I appreciate all reads and will return the compliment.

As for not knowing what to say or how to say it; I think a rule of thumb might be just to go with gut instinct. Sometimes what we read does nothing for us and in those circumstances I tend to say nothing rather than inhibit someone's creativity. This is a personal preference and not something which I whole-heartedly endorse (coward that I am.) Maybe I am too sensitive to the work, effort and enthusiasm invested that I genuinely hate to say that it's rubbish or that it fails to spark any positive feelings. I, too, am an amateur and would hate the thought of anyone rubbishing my output without some consideration for feelings. I suppose one form of input might be vague disapproval but I am reluctant to engage in such casuistry. The PM button helps in some cases and gives the writer the privacy and respect which most writing deserves if it is to be improved. But of course the other side of that coin is that if someone isn't told their work is not connecting with readers then they have no way of going forward and improving.
Criticism is a very personal thing and I feel that I am prepared to take whatever is said about my writing in a positive manner. The reader is as much a part of the process of writing as the writer (more perhaps) and has a legitimate opinion to impart.
There endeth the rant, and I want to finish by thanking you for your reply and let you know that it was helpful and encouraging. I will look out for your work and wish you all the best with it in the meantime.

LL

Scheherazade
10-06-2005, 04:53 PM
I liked reading this story. You seem to have a relaxed style and good grap of the colloquial language used by these boys. Like B-Mental said, your dialogues are not forced.

Couple of points which I think could be improved:
All the way down, until both teams were chosen and the game could begin. The ball belonged to Peter in No. 2 and when he wasn't available we had to ask nicely if we might borrow it. Sometimes Pete's mum had really bad headaches and would leave the ball inside the front door, which meant we didn't have to disturb her. Once, assigned as ball-getter, I heard her singing a slurred version of 'Danny Boy' and thought her headache must have eased. She seemed to sing quite a lot for a lady with headaches. This paragraph seems out of place. Till the end of the story, I was hoping to hear something more about Pete and his Mom to justify your dedicating a whole paragraph to them. And I am still curious about her singing while claiming to have 'headaches'. The story obviously about Vincey; so either something to connect Pete to the story more or just get rid of that paragraph?

Another thing:
a lame boy whose Polio had left him with a stern outlook on life.Not sure how Vincey's stern outlook in life is coming through in the story.

It is a really good read; I wished it was longer! :)

Darlin
10-06-2005, 05:19 PM
I liked reading this story. You seem to have a relaxed style and good grap of the colloquial language used by these boys. Like B-Mental said, your dialogues are not forced.

Couple of points which I think could be improved:This paragraph seems out of place. Till the end of the story, I was hoping to hear something more about Pete and his Mom to justify your dedicating a whole paragraph to them. And I am still curious about her singing while claiming to have 'headaches'. The story obviously about Vincey; so either something to connect Pete to the story more or just get rid of that paragraph?

Another thing:Not sure how Vincey's stern outlook in life is coming through in the story.

It is a really good read; I wished it was longer! :)

Oh, but you know I got a chuckle out of the singing/headache part! I thought it was a sly way of saying she was drunk. :)

And I thought maybe Vincey's stern outlook was shown in his actions, trying harder than the average kid to fit in. After all that kid was a real go getter. But everyone sees things differently. :)

Scheherazade
10-06-2005, 05:30 PM
Oh, but you know I got a chuckle out of the singing/headache part! I thought it was a sly way of saying she was drunk. :)So did I... which is why I wanted to hear more about her! And the relevance to the story is still not clear though...
And I thought maybe Vincey's stern outlook was shown in his actions, trying harder than the average kid to fit in. That is where we differ I think... To me, he doesn't come across like that. Especially at the end of the story, he seems to be he is grabbing the excuse offered to him.

Sorry, I didn't mean to disect the story. Wanted to share couple of things, I thought, which did not go well with the rest of the story, which reads very well otherwise.

Darlin
10-06-2005, 05:51 PM
You have a valid points besides that feedback's always good!

litlover
10-07-2005, 03:44 AM
Thank you Scheherezade. I take your point about maybe expanding the role of Pete's Mum; she is mentioned then sort of ...abandoned. The story is called 'Street Life' and I was trying to paint tiny vignettes of one or two characters apart from Vincey. There is also Paddy, the bookish boy and the general way in which the children seemed to govern a little world of their own without much adult input.
One of the difficulties I find is that if a story is too long online then it tends not to get read and maybe leaving what readers I get wanting more is a good thing.lol.
As for Vincey's final remark; it was meant to show a dawining realisation that the hand that life had dealt him, Polio and a consequent surly nature, still had more to impart. The loss of a little football match was perhaps the catalyst in pushing him another bit along the way to adulthood and maybe give him some idea of the rigours of life which had yet to be encountered.

Thanks again S for taking time to read and the trouble to reply.

And Darlin, thank you too for your input and kind remarks.

I value all opinion on my writing and look forward to reading other's work and learning as I go.

LL

KatieAnnie
10-16-2005, 11:19 PM
Wow, that was.........amazing. Children's minds always seem to reveal the most truthful and astonishing things, don't they? Well, I'm sorry I don't have time to write more, but I have to go and just wanted to let you know that I really loved this piece. I'm looking forward to reading more.
-Kate

litlover
10-17-2005, 11:38 AM
Well thank you, Katie. Good of you to take time to read and comment.
I agree;the intricacies of a child's mind are a wonderful place for writers to mine. These honourable boys managed to learn as they played those endless games of football.
Thanks again for the read.

LL

blp
10-18-2005, 09:30 AM
It's really beautifully written. Narratively, it's rather odd, starting threads that don't go anywhere, like the part about the mother and the part about the girl who twisted her ankle. Lots of possibilities, mostly unrealised. It would be great to keep the impression of rambling, making disconnected anecdotes, and then somehow tie it all together. Favourite moment is the thing about flying out of the window in a basket.

litlover
10-20-2005, 08:11 AM
Thank you blp. I get your point about some allusions leading nowhere but I intended this as a fairly short piece and so not everything could be elaborated upon. Glad you liked it and good of you to comment.

LL

starrwriter
10-25-2005, 06:47 PM
I've read a couple of your stories, including this one, and I wanted to say I think you're an interesting writer. Although I had a little trouble with the slang (American, you see), I like the relaxed off-hand quality of your writing and the humor, er humour. Has any of your work been published in books or magazines? If not, you should go for it because you have The Knack.

litlover
10-26-2005, 03:39 PM
Thanks for the read(s) Starr. I am delighted that you took time to read and to make such kind comments. I have had nothing published as I am a very undisciplined writer and only scribble occasionally. Your comments have made this part-time scribe very happy though, and I thank you again for your kind remarks.

LL