jokes

[AbdoRinbo]

Does anyone have any good jokes? Post them right here.

Here's mine:

So this girl walks into a 7-11, right?, and buys a bag of Doritos and a 20oz bottle of Pepsi. She takes them up to the counter and lays them down and the cashier looks at her and says, 'so, you're single?'. The girl pauses and then says to him, 'how did you know?'. The cashier replies, 'because you're ugly!'

*BUDDUM SCHH!*

Thank you. Keep 'em coming!

[imthefoolonthehill]

lol....

Blonde Joke:

Call recieved by a 911 operator:

Caller: omg!omg! my house is on fire! Send help quick! its a big fire and you need to hurry! ok? bye!

Operator: wait! how do we get to your house?

Caller: DUH! Big red truck

[Tabac]

Does anyone have any good jokes? Post them right here.

Here's mine:

So this girl walks into a 7-11, right?, and buys a bag of Doritos and a 20oz bottle of Pepsi. She takes them up to the counter and lays them down and the cashier looks at her and says, 'so, you're single?'. The girl pauses and then says to him, 'how did you know?'. The cashier replies, 'because you're ugly!'

*BUDDUM SCHH!*

Thank you. Keep 'em coming!

Overweight lady at the doctor's office has been told she's fat. To which she responds she wants a "second opinion". "O.k.." the doctor says, "you're ugly, too."

[AbdoRinbo]

Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

I liked yours, fool. I thought it was perfectly far-fetched.

Tabac's was a good one, too.

[imthefoolonthehill]

thanks Abdo Rinbo... but I think Tabac's is better than mine.

[BibliophileTRJ]

Ghandi walked everywhere barefoot for most of his life, which gave him an impressive set of callouses. He also was a vegetarian, often involved in hunger strikes, and generaly had a very poor diet...... this caused him to be rather frail. His diet was also responsible for a chronic case of bad breath.

What does all of this mean?

(prepare yourself..... this is bad......)

Ghandi was a:
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Vexed by Halitosis


GROAN!!!!
PUNS!! The lowest form of humor!!

[Laindessiel]

Ghandi was a:
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Vexed by Halitosis

And I sang to it. Haha!

I'll post jokes tomorrow. I still have to retrieve them in my old notebooks.

[Turk]

There was a man. He has gone. And never come back.

[Shannanigan]

Ghandi walked everywhere barefoot for most of his life, which gave him an impressive set of callouses. He also was a vegetarian, often involved in hunger strikes, and generaly had a very poor diet...... this caused him to be rather frail. His diet was also responsible for a chronic case of bad breath.

What does all of this mean?

(prepare yourself..... this is bad......)

Ghandi was a:
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Vexed by Halitosis


GROAN!!!!
PUNS!! The lowest form of humor!!


:lol: I just read that one aloud for the Writing Center! :p

Errr...ummm....my best joke is very long, but then again that shouldn't be a problem for a group that loves reading, lol. I think I've posted it here before, though, so I'll post a shorty:

(I'm dirty blonde, and I think blonde jokes are hilarious :D)

Blonde decides she wants to try horse riding, so she goes to a place where she knows there's a horse, finds it, and gets on. The horse starts of slow, rocking her back and forth, but it picks up speed and soon the poor blonde is slipping sideways out of the saddle. Within seconds she is nearly under the horse, her head slamming against the ground as she holds on for dear life. Finally, a guy walking out of the Wal-Mart sees her, walks over, and unplugs the horse...

:sick:

[Virgil]

We already have a jokes thread. Why start another?

[BibliophileTRJ]

Here's one for you Shennanigan.........


Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?

A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."

[miss tenderness]

haha
okay,I've posted this joke like million times but I really like it:
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you buy her a pet?

HUSBAND: "If she wanted one."

WIFE: "Would you buy her a cat?

HUSBAND: "No, she likes German Shepherds."
WIFE: - - - SILENCE - -

HUSBAND: "****!"

loooooooooooooool

[Stanislaw]

We already have a jokes thread. Why start another?


heh...this is an old thread dreadged up from '03.

[higley]

I would make a Michigan joke, seeing as the Game is tomorrow, but I'd feel bad because Bo Schembechler just died. :(

So instead, a dinosaur joke.

What's the stuff between dinosaur's toes?



...slow cavemen.

[Shannanigan]

Here's one for you Shennanigan.........


Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every month?

A: Because it says on the box, "Good for up to 20 pounds."

:lol: omg ewwww :p

[cuppajoe_9]

There was a man. He has gone. And never come back.

Dude, that was not funny, that was profound and sobering.

I asked my jewish-american friend who he voted for in the 2004 elections. He said "Are you kidding? The last time my people listened to a bush we wound up wandering around in the desert for forty years."

[Arethusa]

This is the lamest joke evah. I love lame jokes:

A snail walks into a bar...

Snail: Gimme a Red Bull and vodka.

Bartender: We don't serve snails here.

Snail: Well, then give me a beer.

Bartender: I said we don't serve snails here.

Snail: I'll just have tea then.

Bartender: Look! I said we don't serve snails in here!

Bartender picks up the snail, walks to the door and throws the snail across the street.

Six months later, the snail walks back in the bar and says, "That wasn't very nice!"

[Virgil]

Yep, that was lame. :sick: :D

[miss tenderness]

Dude, that was not funny, that was profound and sobering.

I asked my jewish-american friend who he voted for in the 2004 elections. He said "Are you kidding? The last time my people listened to a bush we wound up wandering around in the desert for forty years."

:lol: reminds me of this joke:
a guy decided to smile for life, life spat at his face!

[Taliesin]

So, here 's one we like:


Once Putin came to visit a school in Russia. So, he gave a speech and all that and at last he asked if anyone had any questions.
Vova stood up and asked three questions:
"First, why is Hodorovsky still in prison?
Second, why are human rights constantly being violated in Russia?
And third, why is the media in Russia almost completely muzzled?"

But then the bell rang before Putin could answer and everybody went to the break.
Now, when the lesson bell rang again, again it was asked if anyone had any questions.
Kolja stood up and asked:
"First, why is Hodorovsky still in prison?
Second, why are human rights constantly being violated in Russia?
Third, why is the media in Russia almost completely muzzled?
Fourth, why did the bell ring fifteen minutes earlier than it was supposed to?
And fifth, where is Vova?"

[cuppajoe_9]

An agnostic dyslexic insomniac is somebody who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

~~~

Two philosophers are sitting on a beach in Tahiti. One says to the other "Have you read Marx?" He replies "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

~~~

Condi Rice: Mr. President, I have your report on the new President of China.
George Bush: Who?
CR: Yes, Hu.
GWB: What?
CR: President Hu.
GWB: Well, who is it?
CR: Yes.
GWB: What?
CR: Hu is the new President of China.
GWB: What are you asking me for?
CR: I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
GWB: Look, it's very simple, who is the new President of China?
CR: Yes!
GWB: So?
CR: So what?
GWB: Will you just tell me who the new President of China is?
CR: It's Hu!
GWB: What?

And so on...

[Turk]

Dude, that was not funny, that was profound and sobering.


Well, true. But sometimes they are funny for some people. Didn't you ever suddenly started to laugh in a worst case/event?

[bluevictim]

Condi Rice: Mr. President, I have your report on the new President of China.
George Bush: Who?
CR: Yes, Hu.

...

GWB: Will you just tell me who the new President of China is?
CR: It's Hu!
GWB: What?

And so on...
CR: I don't know
GWB: Third base!

[SummerSolstice]

I'm a Star Wars geek and I like to tell this one to oust others of my kind from their hiding places among society. :D


An Imperial officer all dressed in gray is standing on the bridge of a Star Destroyer. He observes their course over the navigator's shoulder and then announces, "Veer starboard." The navigator gives him an odd look, but doesn't want to get in trouble for insubordination so he alters the course as directed.

About a half-hour later, the officer comes back and looks over the navigator's shoulder again. "Veer starboard," he instructs. The navigator takes his chances and speaks up. "Well, sir, I don't think that's a good--"

"I said starboard, lieutenant!" So the navigator alters the course.

Another half hour later the officer comes and gives the same instruction.

"But sir," says the navigator, "If I alter our course again we'll--"

"Do it, lieutenant!" barks the officer.

A short while afterward, the destroyer is caught in the gravitational field of a large star, sucked in, and incinerated.

On board the flagship, a lackey standing next to Darth Vader shakes his head as the destroyer's green radar blip disappears.

"It's what I keep telling you, Milord," he sighs. "You know what they say about Moffs and bright lights."

If you laugh (or, more likely, roll your eyes) you're a Star Wars fan. If you stare blankly, you're not. Simple as that. :D


On a less geekly note, what do you say to a discouraged hippo ballerina?

Don't worry, it's just a stage you're going through. (Groan.)

[Serenata]

Nice. This one's a little lame.

What do you get when you cross a rhino and an elephant?




Ell-if-I-Know.

[Turk]

Well, then here's more simple and a little skeptological, Turkish style joke;

There was a boy who play with sands on the beach, a police saw him and liked him cuz little boy was really cute; so police approached him, petted his hair and asked "what are you doing here boy?" little boy looked at police and said "i mix sand, piss and sh*t and i'm making police" police get angry and said "f**k off" and hitted the boy slowly, boy started to cry and escaped. Later day same boy was playing there, same police saw him, and couldn't stand, because little boy was really very cute; police approached the boy and asked "what are you doing here little?" boy looked at him and said "i mix sand, piss and sh*t and i'm making police" police get mad again and said "f**k off" and hitted the boy, little boy escaped while he was crying.

At third day same police saw same boy, and couldn't stand. He approached little boy and asked "what are you doing here boy?" little boy looked at police's face and said "i mix sand and piss and making soldiers". Police was surprised this time and asked "why you don't put sh*t?" little boy looked at him and answered "no, when i put sh*t it becomes police".

[Madhuri]

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"

PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

...................


TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

[RobinHood3000]

I'm a Star Wars geek and I like to tell this one to oust others of my kind from their hiding places among society. :D



If you laugh (or, more likely, roll your eyes) you're a Star Wars fan. If you stare blankly, you're not. Simple as that. :DAhh-HAHAHAHA!!! :lol:

How many Stormtroopers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it's REALLY dim.


How many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb? Who needs a lightbulb? Have you SEEN those neat laser swords??


Horrible, I know, but I felt the need to put SOMETHING down.

[kilted exile]

How Many Sport Fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

8, one to change it, one to commentate on the process, 3 to complain that the commentator doesnt know anything about lightbulbs and they could do a better job, one to comment that the "commentator" has vast previous experience in lightbulb changing and knows more than someone who once changed a lightbulb back in highschool/college, one to complain that lightbulbs are too expensive and it is taking it away from the common man, and one to get the beers in.

[Taliesin]

Ahh-HAHAHAHA!!! :lol:

How many Stormtroopers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it's REALLY dim.


How many Jedi does it take to change a light bulb?
Light bulb? Who needs a lightbulb? Have you SEEN those neat laser swords??


Horrible, I know, but I felt the need to put SOMETHING down.

You know, you just reminded us this wulffmorgenthaler strip:
http://www.wulffmorgenthaler.com/striphandler.ashx?stripid=36ed684e-c49e-41e8-8be2-7a3faaa75ef6

[Jouzou]

Here's little something..

An American is visiting his friend in the UK. They're sightseeing and the British fellow points a building with his finger and starts rambling: "That is a perfect example of British architecture. You can clearly see our superiority..."

The American get a little ticked off and interrupts: "Oh, please. We have thousands of buildings like that in the States. Let me tell you, THOUSANDS."

The Brit replies: "Oh, that I'm sure of. It IS a mental hospital after all."

[mtpspur]

An office worker, Jack, is going thru severe burnout and wants a break but all his vacation is used up. He gets an idea that if he acts weird maybe he can get some free time off. So he rigs up a pole, hangs from the ceiling and declares to the blond receptionist nearby that he is a lightbulb.

His supervisor promptly appears and decides he has been working poor Jack a bit too much and suggests taking the week off to 'rest'. Jack smiles to himself and quickly gathers up his hat and coat and prepares to leave. However the receptionist also gets her gear together to leave and when asked by the supervisor "Why are you leaving?" she replies:

"Well I can't work in the dark."

No blonds were verbally injured during the recital of this stolen joke from my co-worker.

Rich (but I'm really poor)

[free]

Joe lives in a village and wants to move to a big city to live easier and be richer. So he calls his cousin from a big city to find him a job, not too hard but well paid. The cousin finds him a job in a zoo. He is to put on the fur of a monkey and to sit in a cage pretending he is a monkey. After a few days, they bring another monkey to the zoo. Joe looks at him and notices something strange, so he takes off his fur when there were no visitors in the zoo and looks at the new monkey. The new one starts to laugh and Joe asks: "Is it you, Willy?"

[Oedipus]

Worst joke of our decade:

What kind of fruit should be an actor? Citrus, because citrus has o-range.

[free]

A man comes to a doctor and says. "Doctor, help me! I am very depressed. I suffer from being unseen." The doctor looks to the door and shouts: "Next!"

[free]

A man gets a huge amount of money and he takes his friends to the most expensive restaurant to celebrate it. They take a menu and order the most extraordaniry meals, but one of them orders cooked beans.

Lesson of this joke: There is no lesson, there is a question: When in an unrealistic situation, why do some people rather choose to be realistic and ignore all the fantastic possibilites the situation offers to them?

[DATo]

An old couple went over to their friends house for dinner. The women went into the kitchen, and the men were talking.
"So," the host asks, "Where was that place that you went for vacation?"
The guest stops to think. "What's that flower called? It's red and has thorns..."
"Rose?" asks the host.
"Yeah!" he turns and calls into the kitchen, "Rose? Where did we go for vacation?"

[AuntShecky]

An old couple went over to their friends house for dinner. The women went into the kitchen, and the men were talking.
"So," the host asks, "Where was that place that you went for vacation?"
The guest stops to think. "What's that flower called? It's red and has thorns..."
"Rose?" asks the host.
"Yeah!" he turns and calls into the kitchen, "Rose? Where did we go for vacation?"

Funn-eee!

[DATo]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?

Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[Revolte]

A women tapes a one dollar bill to her belly button and shows her friend. Her friend says "what is that?"

She replies "All you can eat under a buck."


And then she stopped acting and starting singing. Wait what? Okay this wasn't part of the joke.

[AuntShecky]

Do these have to be original, or can they be reiterations of old "classics"? If the latter is so, here's one I first heard at least 40 years ago from a guest on the Tonight Show, when Johnny Carson was still the host:

All his life a guy wanted to be an actor. He spent years studying the craft, went on all kinds of auditions, never getting a call back. But he was determined to keep his dream alive.

One day a friend got him a tiny part, just a walk-on with a single line: "Hark! is that a cannon I hear?"The guy was thrilled. He spent weeks re-hearsing the line: "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" "Hark! is that a cannon I hear?"

Finally, opening night. The guy comes on stage as he anxiously awaits his debut. Suddenly --KA-POW! and he yells, "What the hell was THAT?"

[DATo]

GREAT ONE AUNTIE !!!! Loved it ! .... Still laughing/


HaPpY Easter AUNT SHECKY !!!

Three people attempt to enter the Pearly gates but are stopped by St. Peter.

ST. PETER - "In order to come in you must each describe the events pertaining to Easter."

Ist PERSON - "Well Easter is all about giving presents and putting decorations on a tree and .... "

ST. PETER - "No, that's Christmas." Entry Denied.

2nd PERSON - "Easter is like , ya know dude, when you lose a tooth and you put it under your pillow and then ...."

ST. PETER - "No no no, you're thinking of the Tooth Fairy." Entry Denied.

3rd PERSON - "It started when Jesus was crucified."

ST. PETER - "YES ?!"

3rd PERSON - "And then he was placed in a tomb."

ST. PETER - "YES YES !!!!???"

3rd PERSON - "And on the third day the stone which was placed at the entry was rolled away from the tomb by angels."

ST. PETER - "YES YES YES ????!!!!???"

3rd PERSON - "And Jesus emerged from the tomb, saw his shadow, went back in, and there were 6 more weeks of winter."

[Revolte]

A man in a bar lifts his glass and says "We're here to celebrate, stand next to the person who helped you get through life!"

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[DATo]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "Really? What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[Delta40]

Why can't women park cars?

Coz their partners keep telling them this -----) is eight inches!

[Revolte]

I can take full credit for this one. I'm an inventor!
___________________________________________

When we showed up late to the party my sister asked what took so long.
I said "We had to change a tire."
She asked why and I replied "It went down a bad road."

[Paulclem]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo.

[AuntShecky]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo.

For some reason, I keep hearing the jingle from the Dr. Pepper commercials: "European, I'm a peein', who wouldn't like to be a-peein' too?"

[Paulclem]

For some reason, I keep hearing the jingle from the Dr. Pepper commercials: "European, I'm a peein', who wouldn't like to be a-peein' too?"

:lol:

I don't think I've heard that, but we've got number 1s and 2s covered with the same European term. Not bad.

[Paulclem]

The original version I read - on twitter - was funnier because it featured two politicians who had just had a TV debate on, amongst other things, Europe.

My brother suggested I introduce Yoda to the scenario so here's an alternative:

Yoda to Clegg: Tell it I will
Clegg: Go on then.
Yoda to Farage: Knock knock
Farage: Who's there?
Yoda: Europe
Farage: Europe who?
Yoda: No - poo you are ... arrrgh
Clegg to Yoda: Yo Da poo...

[DATo]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip and Sherlock says to Watson. "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson looks up and after awhile says, "Well the constellation Orion is in a position to suggest that we are in the northern hemisphere, and by following the handle of the Big Dipper I should say that we may deduce the direction of 'North', and also by the position of Venus over the horizon we can deduce that the sun will rise in about an hour and a half." Sherlock replies, "No Watson, you insufferable idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[DATo]

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

[free]

On a ship captain calls:

- JOOOHN!!!
- Yes, captain.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- JAAAACK!
- Yes, captain.
- What are you doing?
- I am helping John.

[108 fountains]

From the old I Love Lucy show:

Diction teacher: There are two words you should never use. One of them is "lousy" and the other one is "swell."

Lucy: Well, give us the lousy one first.

[108 fountains]

An old Milton Berle joke:

Why so sad, Charlie?

My wife ran off with my best friend.

Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, I'm really gonna miss that guy.

[108 fountains]

Maybe my favorite joke. From Zero Mostel:

Doctor: Mr. Mostel, you are going to have to stop masturbating.

Zero: But why, doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

[free]

A rabbit comes into a sweet shop and asks:
- Do you have a carrot cake?
- No.
Next day he comes again.
- Do you have a carrot cake?
- No.
Next day the shop owner sees the rabbit running towards the shop and says to his assistant:
- Oh, there is that rabbit again. Go, quickly, make him the f* carrot cake!
The rabbit comes and asks:
- Do you have a carrot cake?
- Yes.
- Don't you think that it tastes disgusting?

[DATo]

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[DATo]

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[DATo]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds one little boy stood up. The teacher says to the little boy, "Do you really think you're stupid?

The little boy replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."

[free]

John makes love with Jack's wife. Her cell phone rings. She answers. When she finishes, John asks:
- Who was it?
- Jack.
- What did he tell you?
- He said that he was with you watching a football game.