Clumsy attempt at a sonnet

[Munro]

Hi, I don't usually post in this part because I'm quite self-concious and embarrassed about what I write, but I had some good responses from the following sonnet I wrote from some of my English peers, and I was wondering if I could get your opinions... :)

That you should shun the man who loves you,
Worships your eyes and hails your marble feet,
Pulls embed spikes from in my gut, and direly dooms
Your love so dark, for love like mine you’ll rarely meet.
Take mine, the hand that is extended, that will caress yours like it were
The soft white dove-wing it feels, for mine will stroke yours where rough
Men would squeeze, for their own pleasured needs, where after they would defer,
Leave you bare-cold and shamed, and there sheets feeling tough.
That you should avert my fond gaze is your own mind,
But know that I so even accept that cheek stare, where
Your preference would grab your curving jaw and grind
To their coarse and force worn lips, and to their bristling hair.
Leave me your eyes to look at least, if no food you give from your hand palms,
Let me drink then your sea blue eyes, with this water alternate I bear no qualms.

For I would wait until Time’s death on glassy sober drink alone
If I knew that your love for me makes our avoidance prone.

[Jay]

Sweet. I like this a lot. I especially like the last two lines. And it's not clumsy, not as far as I'm concerned anyway.

[Admin]

You've got some problems from a technical standpoint.

Each line needs to be 10 syllables.

The first is 9, the third is like 13, etc

Sonnets are supposed to be 14 lines, not 16 lines.

Its a nice poem, but sonnets are very strictly defined.

[Phoenix_Tears]

LOl .. it is not a clumsy attempt Munro, and i'd like to thank you for sharing it. At least you are making an attempt. And what better way to get better than to share and recieve. I personally am not familiar with to many sonnets so therefore i can only agree with what everyone else will tell you whom might just know something about them. I think it sounded pretty good.
But thats just me
Phoen-x

[Admin]

Sonnets are challenging to write. Its not just about rhyming, you also have to have exactly 10 syllables per line. So you think about what you want to say and then rearrange the words until it is 10 syllables, and so that the last one rhymes, and then move on. Its often like trying to fit a square into a circular hole.

http://www.yk.psu.edu/~jmj3/cre_sonn.htm

[IrishCanadian]

I wrote one sonnet and one only (so far) ever. Its posted here...somewhere. And it took me three years to write. So keep up the good work and don't think that (in writing) your ever bighting off more than you can chew --because one of these days it will come out just perfect. People didn't like Tennyson at first, sh he devoted more than ten years to little more than a dozn poems. He only published twice: before the ten years when no one liked it, and after the ten years (well after that he published more often). My point is, he probably sucked once in his life and now he's considered one of the greatest technical poets the world has seen. So keep up the good work.

[Aurora Ariel]

Hi Munro,
It was certainly a good early attempt at a sonnet;and I know it can be hard to get all of the technique right at first, but I would suggest you keep continuing and don't give up!If you still persevere you are bound to improve and write ever better sonnets in the years to come!I strongly believe we can always improve, so I ask you to keep up the enthusiastic work; and seek to be further inspired, learn more and your poems are sure to get even better!But good effort for the first time; if you continue to attempt to write sonnets as well read a few from Shakespeare, Milton, and the Romantic poets you are sure to become great yourself in the future!Best Wishes with your future poems!Bye:)

[barneythebear]

in what way is this a sonnet, some of the writing challenging, be that as it may?

[Triskele]

yeah, and i was wondering, did you plan on putting a ryhming scheme in there at all, i don't think it is necessary, but often it allows the poem to flow better, also, watch your syllable count and line count.

[Pendragon]

Well, the poem is good, but it isn't a sonnet. The 14 lines are my only restriction, syllables be hanged. People like my sonnets and they do not conform to the syllable count, the flow is more important to me. Rules are more like "guidelines" to quote "Pirates of the Caribbean". So good poem, bad sonnet.