Untitled (pt.2)

[Phoenix_Tears]

The girl sat still and listened to the taunts
Tainting her mind with horrible thoughts
Fighting back painfilled tears of sorrow
She'll try to fake sick tomorrow
They dissed her because she was different somehow
They said it, it can never be taken back now

Next day she returns they start up again
Scalding her soul, making her think she was a sin
The teachers all turn the other way
All in all it's just a normal day
After all there just children, thats what children do
That is common knowledge that everyone knew

Years down the road, and it's all still the same
Her in the circle of their sadistic game
But now it is different
Her eyes are dead
They hit her with curses heavy as lead
Her self image is warped
All she does is cry
Every night she wishes to die
But still she bears it, through and through
Still praying to god be true

Some few years later, high school rolls around
Nothing has changed, her heart is now on the ground
And it bears a showprint from everyone she knows
One sweet breath and away they go
What right has she to breathe?
Lets cut her and watch her bleed
And when she is almost dead
It was then one of them spoke out ans said
So what was it that made her so different from us?
.... silence.....

[Ammaria]

I really like this poem. It is so true regarding the ugliness of youth. It is an issue I've thought about but you put it into words so well. Especially the last couple lines...."It was then one of them spoke out and said/So what was it that made her so different from us?/....silence...." What makes this so great is of course the actual words but also the way you chose to do it. The whole poem had this rhythmic flow until that last line then....screeech...the brakes are hit and "silence". Just as it should be. In your other poem I talked about the lines needing to coincide...rhyming in pairs, or whatever. But the way this last line has no coinciding line works perfectly in this instance.
The only thing I didn't like so well was when you used the word "dissed" in the fifth line. Although it can be an effective word in some usages I personally don't think it fit with this particular poem. (It kinda reminds me of apstudent using "stupid hoe" in his poem. It just throws you off a bit.) Some suggestions might be mocked, ridiculed, tormented, scorned, etc...I don't know. Just an idea. Anyways, thanks for sharing this poem. I wish more people were as thoughtful about these things as you.

[Phoenix_Tears]

Thanks . i was a little skeptical about using dissed, mocked is a good one..
i've been working on the structure and flow of the other poem.. forgot the title..oops! oh well.
- D

[Matt]

You know you can edit your posts right?

[Phoenix_Tears]

really???

[Phoenix_Tears]

i am moving this up on the list because i want a little more feedbakc on this one. i have two more poems i want to post . look for them.

[DumbLikeAPoet]

I think it is good. Although I would rather have read mocked instead of dissed :) just IMO

Jonus

[Phoenix_Tears]

ya know.. poets are kinda dumb. lol. thanks though~
~Phoen-X~

[lynk]

well i cant really say much because you have summed up what exactly it is to be a teenager and you did it with alot of applaudable techniques. very good

[Phoenix_Tears]

thank you.