New poem(untitled pain)

[Phoenix_Tears]

Lying here in a pool of my blood
Feels no different than a warm bath
When they find me will they feel the same?
Is this all still a stupid game?
I have cried all my eyes can bear
I have yelled and kicked and ripped out my hair
Til my body goes limp and i can not find the strength to breathe
I feel nothing and my chest starts to heave
In my darkness, no more happiness
I took the blade and cut into my flesh
I could not even feel the painful shocking flashes
Maybe it might have been different had anyone cared
I felt like the main freak attraction at the Freak fair
Few people have felt this quiet feeling of dying
Maybe when i am gone they'll feel my most related feeling..crying

[Phoenix_Tears]

i want some opinions plz.
- D -

[Koa]

*claps hands*
(no time to say more im in a rush sorry)

[Ammaria]

I like the way you portray feeling through words. However, reading your poetry gives me flashbacks of my highschool boyfriend. It reminds me of the things he'd say and his view on life at the time. I noticed your other poems follow this same depressed and sorrowful tone. This leads me to think maybe they are very personal, perhaps written as an emotional release. Of course I might be overanalyzing them. But being that they do seem so personal its hard to critique them without feeling like I'd be trampling on your emotions. (I had a teacher at a writer's conference tell me the same thing when I handed in some of my more personal poems.) I do think you put words together well and would be interested in seeing what else you have.

[Phoenix_Tears]

I have a troubled life and have had a hard time trusting anyone in years since my papa left . He is a drug addict who used to beat me my mum and my little sister. I have a bad habit of bottling my emotions up until i cry and poetry is my release. You were not over analyzing. You were very correct. I need critique and i want people to tell me straight forward what they think. i want to be the best poet i can be. I like writing deep and dark like that. It gets all the pain out and calms me down. But i do write about love in a good sense. i just have to be in the mood. So criticize away!

[Ammaria]

Ok then...here's the criticism. The basic structure of this poem is good but it feels like a rough draft, as though you've quickly gotten out the thoughts and feelings you wanted to convey. Now it just needs to be tidied up a bit. First of all, the rhyming. I like that you include rhyming in the poem but don't forget to be consistent throughout the entire poem. For example the first two sentences should rhyme judging by the rest of the poem but they don't. So maybe find a way for them to fit together a little better. Then the line "In my darkness, no more happiness" is left on its own but, again, to fit with the structure of the rest of the poem it needs a corresponding line or to be taken out all together. I'd leave it in and add another line to go with it...but whatever.
As far as the general feeling of the poem, you've really created a disturbing (in a good way) ambiance which I would imagine is the point. This is great....the reader should feel the poem as she is reading it (which I did) and it is the job of the writer to make the reader feel something, whether those emotions are positive or negative. Obviously for me you did your job well, sending me crashing back to memories of my highschool boyfriend. So keep writing. I'm interested in checking out some of your other work which I see you've newly posted.

[Phoenix_Tears]

Thank you very much Ammaria-
For being honest. i will work on that one.
- D -

[tear_killer]

the dark poetry isnt your thing or goth or what ever you call it its like youer trying to be some thing your not (its a good poem dont take me wrong) do you get its sick with nice fuzzy things. I really hope you dont take this the wrong way.

[Phoenix_Tears]

i do not take it the wrong way. I normally would not explain myself like this, but i guess it does not hurt to open up once in a while.
There are honest times when i will think about killing myself. But i cannot because then everything i am working for would be for nothing. i have nothing to gain by killing myself, but everything to lose. There are very few if any people my age i know who are....like me. I admit i am not gothic/punk/dark.. w/e i have no label because i do not allow myself to fit any label because i believe that you should not judge someone by what they wear. Instead of acting out suicide(killing my self) i write about it and then i feel like i have a large heavy burden lifted off of my shoulders. ya know? I welcome honest critique. Thanks for your thoughts.
Outside it may be young.
Inside holds the secrets of the ages-
Someday we all understand-
_PhOeNx

[Koa]

I agree on everything you said on this last post. I feel the same.

I still like the poem...honest direct expression of dark feelings. Plus I admire the courage to show this personal stuff (which i havent had the guts to do with my most personal ones)

[alissa]

i love your poem. its beautifully sad. i'd like to read more of your stuff.
-alissa-

[star_gazer2000]

I too come from a dark past, though no one would ever think it by just looking at me. I've also gotten into the habit of bottling up all my emotions until the cap's blown off and the bottle explodes. Writing is my only release and most people never even know that I'm an aspiring writer. I really like this poem. It's very vivid, like I can actually see you in a bath tub full of blood. and I can see people standing around an coffin crying at the end. it's really good.

[SwtRose]

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